I posted a video of myself singing a clip of a song called"Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman. If I'm going to be honest, not a lot of people liked the video or commented..and old familiar feelings began to creep in, but I didn't give in.
Sorry.
Let me back track, so this will all make sense.
On September 6th 2017, I turned 25, and I entered one of the most self-defeating, emotionally-crushing, spiritually-foggy years of my life (thus far). I felt like I fell short in every area, and I tried to fix things,but it was never enough.
Physically
As I shared in my previous blog post I have been struggling with my weight ,recently. I found myself utterly unhappy with my reflection in the mirror. So I did what I always did, I became diligent about going to the gym and working out. Yet, I still wasn't seeing the results I had hoped for. Thus, I found myself entertaining thoughts of weight-loss methods that I knew were unhealthy, but I was desperate. I was frustrated because what I was doing just didn't seem like enough.
Spiritually
Spiritually, I also felt 'off'. My relationship with the Lord and my enjoyment of who He is, literally is my life! So when I found myself feeling disconnected, I was super concerned and tried to scramble to find what I should do. "Maybe I need to pray more, or read more," I thought. So, I started a 90 day Bible reading plan (which I still haven't finished, btw) in order to hopefully spark the fire that I felt was missing in my spiritual life. Still, I found myself in a place where I felt distant from God. I would pray and read the word, but I felt as if I wasn't hearing His sweet voice or responding to it the way I was used to. So once again, I was frustrated that what I was doing was just not enough.
Social Affirmation
This one is a little harder for me to describe because I had NO idea it was happening until...it exploded it my face. How delightful! If you know me, you will know that I am not a social media guru. I generally don't post too often, and my page isn't the most polished. So I didn't even see myself falling in this area, because I never really thought it was a problem. Let me explain.
It all started with me genuinely having fun and posting videos of me either singing worship songs, or just being my "everyday, usual Diana silly". Then something happened. People started liking, and commenting on my videos and being super encouraging. That was great. So, inevitably, I started spending a little more time on Social Media, checking out the pages of "influencers", and I thought "God, maybe this is a platform you're wanting to use me in". So then, I started to be more active and the likes kept coming. Before I knew it, although I wasn't in a good place spiritually, emotionally, or physically (based on my perception), I felt like ENOUGH when my posts got positive responses.
This place, my friends, is a very dangerous place to be. Within a matter of a couple weeks, I had latched on for dear life to the affirmation of others with the hopes that maybe this would help me feel better, make me feel whole. Don't get me wrong, OF COURSE, I know that only Jesus can satisfy me. I've blogged about it and told others this truth so many times, yet in my season of vulnerability...it felt so much easier to turn to something else. #REALTALK
I found myself grasping;grasping for dear life for others to tell me that I was enough (not in those exact words)...and it didn't work. Little by little, the views became less, and so did the comments, and I was left feeling vulnerable, irrelevant, and like I wasn't "enough".
Enough
Throughout this time I had felt the Lord tugging on my heart to draw near to Him, and I finally yielded. I got off my social media platforms, and He started to take me through a process of revealing to me that in Him I was FULLY known (sins and all), and FULLY loved. Throughout the weeks I read through John and the words of Jesus jumped off the page to me. He said "I am the bread of life, whoever comes to Me will never hunger, and whoever believes in Me will never thirst." His words were food to my starving soul. Once again, I had found myself trying to get full from the scraps of this world when my Lord has offered Himself FULLY as everything I'll ever need. Little by little, as I took my eyes off everything else and fixed them on Him, my perspective began to change. I started to feel more confident in my appearance, and I didn't really even miss social media. Instead, I was able to better enjoy the simple pleasures in life, and reconnect with a side of myself that I had forgotten was there. Once again, I was restored, not because I 'felt' like enough, but because I had feasted on the One who ACTUALLY IS! Jesus was, is, and always will be Enough, and because He is, I don't have to be.
I posted a video of myself singing a clip of a song called"Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman. If I'm going to be honest, not a lot of people liked the video or commented..and old familiar feelings began to creep in, but I didn't give in because my "never enough" has been satisfied by the one who is ALWAYS enough!
Be encouraged,
Diana
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