25: The Year I Was Never Enough

I posted a video of myself singing a clip of a song called"Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman. If I'm going to be honest, not a lot of people liked the video or commented..and old familiar feelings  began to creep in, but I didn't give in.

Sorry.

Let me back track, so this will all make sense.

On September 6th 2017, I turned 25, and I entered one of the most self-defeating, emotionally-crushing, spiritually-foggy years of my life (thus far). I felt like I fell short in every area, and I tried to fix things,but it was never enough.

Physically

As I shared in my previous blog post I have been struggling with my weight ,recently. I found myself utterly unhappy with my reflection in the mirror. So I did what I always did, I became diligent about going to the gym and working out. Yet, I still wasn't seeing the results I had hoped for. Thus, I found myself entertaining thoughts of weight-loss methods that I knew were unhealthy, but I was desperate. I was frustrated because what I was doing just didn't seem like enough.

Spiritually

Spiritually, I also felt 'off'. My relationship with the Lord and my enjoyment of who He is, literally is my life! So when I found myself feeling disconnected, I was super concerned and tried to scramble to find what I should do. "Maybe I need to pray more, or read more," I thought. So, I started a 90 day Bible reading plan (which I still haven't finished, btw) in order to hopefully spark the fire that I felt was  missing in my spiritual life. Still, I found myself in a place where I felt distant from God. I would pray and read the word, but I felt as if I wasn't hearing His sweet voice or responding to it the way I was used to. So once again, I was frustrated that what I was doing was just not enough.

Social Affirmation

This one is a little harder for me to describe because I had NO idea it was happening until...it exploded it my face. How delightful! If you know me, you will know that I am not a social media guru. I generally don't post too often, and my page isn't the most polished. So I didn't even see myself falling in this area, because I never really thought it was a problem. Let me explain.

It all started with me genuinely having fun and posting videos of me either singing worship songs, or just being my "everyday, usual Diana silly". Then something happened. People started liking, and commenting on my videos and being super encouraging. That was great. So, inevitably, I started spending a little more time on Social Media, checking out the pages of "influencers", and I thought "God, maybe this is a platform you're wanting to use me in". So then, I started to be more active and the likes kept coming. Before I knew it, although I wasn't in a good place spiritually, emotionally, or physically (based on my perception), I felt like ENOUGH when my posts got positive responses.

This place, my friends, is a very dangerous place to be. Within a matter of a couple weeks,  I had latched on for dear life to the affirmation of others with the hopes that maybe this would help me feel better, make me feel whole. Don't get me wrong, OF COURSE, I know that only Jesus can  satisfy me. I've blogged about it and told others this truth so many times, yet in my season of vulnerability...it felt so much easier to turn to something else. #REALTALK

I found myself grasping;grasping for dear life for others to tell me that I was enough (not in those exact words)...and it didn't work. Little by little, the views became less, and so did the comments, and I was left feeling vulnerable, irrelevant, and like I wasn't "enough".

Enough

Throughout this time I had felt the Lord tugging on my heart to draw near to Him, and I finally yielded. I got off my social media platforms, and He started to take me through a process of revealing to me that in Him I was FULLY known (sins and all), and FULLY loved. Throughout the weeks I read through John and the words of Jesus jumped off the page to me. He said "I am the bread of life, whoever comes to Me will never hunger, and whoever believes in Me will never thirst." His words were food to my starving soul. Once again, I had found myself trying to get full from the scraps of this world when my Lord has offered Himself FULLY as everything I'll ever need. Little by little, as I took my eyes off everything else and fixed them on Him, my perspective began to change. I started to feel more confident in my appearance, and I didn't really even miss social media. Instead, I was able to better enjoy the simple pleasures in life, and reconnect with a side of myself that I had forgotten was there. Once again, I was restored, not because I 'felt' like enough, but because I had feasted on the One who ACTUALLY IS! Jesus was, is, and always will be Enough, and because He is, I don't have to be.

I posted a video of myself singing a clip of a song called"Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman. If I'm going to be honest, not a lot of people liked the video or commented..and old familiar feelings  began to creep in, but I didn't give in because my "never enough" has been satisfied by the one who is ALWAYS enough!

Be encouraged,

Diana

Weight and Body Image

You guys know how I thoroughly enjoy writing blog posts about lessons I've learned, and things the Lord has brought me through? Yeah? WELP, this ISNT one of those. This is one of the, "I am literally in the midst of this issue right now, and just about ten minutes ago I was having unhealthy thoughts towards myself", so...if you were hoping to read a blog post about how I've overcome my struggle with weight and body image issues...sorry, but this isn't that.

Freshman year of college 2011

I would love to start from the very beginning, except I have no idea where that is. Throughout the years my weight has fluctuated, within about 10-15 lbs, depending on the season of life. Usually, during life transitions I either gain, or lose weight, until I stabilize to my normal weight. For example in college during freshman year, I gained about..15 lbs (Freshman 15 anyone?), that eventually stabilized back to normal. 

Then around the time when Khory and I were dating, I ended up losing weight, and going back to my high school weight, unintentionally. I guess I was running off of the butterflies he gave me. After getting engaged/married, I gained back some weight.  Currently, my weight has once again stabilized, and I think it has established its new normal, but..this number still isn't the ideal number I would like to be.  

Wedding dress shopping 2016

So what's the big deal you ask? Well, the big deal is that, this time around...I haven't been very kind to myself, as far as the thoughts I have had towards myself. I am grateful for my mother-in-love pointing out to me that I wasn't necessarily being kind in the way I was viewing my body. So, although I have been exercising more often, and continuing to eat healthy, I have still been extremely hard on myself for the lack of progress I've seen. And honestly guys, I'd be lying if I said that unhealthy options for losing weight hasn't sometimes crossed my mind. I think we develop this idea of what beauty is and what it looks like for each of us, and sometimes it's frustrating when you feel as if you're not measuring up. In all honesty, no matter how many times other people say " your body is beautiful just the way it is" or the million and one compliments my husband gives me, if I don't believe them, then the impact is only momentary. 

Admittedly though guys, this isn't just a physical issue. I truly think the Lord is stretching me to love the way I look, and be kind to myself in an area that I didn't even think I was struggling in...or at least, not forthcoming about. The journey isn't necessarily fun, but I know it will be worth it. I want my daughter, and all her future siblings to know their worth in Christ, and to love the way the Lord has made them, even if they have aspects they'd like to improve on. 

So, here's my current game plan to having a healthier view of my body:

• I'll ask the Lord to renew my mind and habits
• I'll keep making healthy choices
• I'll speak and think kind words about my body
• I'll put on my red lipstick and dance/ sing as hard as I can to "This is Me" from the Greatest Showman ...it's therapeutic

If you're in a similar place, or have worked through your own issues with body image...I'm open to hear some words of advice/encouragement. Comment below. Love you all! 

Be encouraged, God is on your side :)

Draft Series: When Our Relationship Almost Ended

Originally Drafted: 5.24.2015

So, this week my relationship with my boyfriend, Khory, almost ended. 

You're all probably wondering what happened (and if you're not, I'm going to tell you anyway). So if you've been reading my blog for any amount of time, or if you know me well enough, it shouldn't  be a surprise to you that fear is something that I struggle with...big time. From the fear of the future to the  fear of getting it wrong... let's just say I have a plethora of apprehensions when I think about my life. So let me set the stage for my story:

Between last weekend and this week I have been hearing a lot of stories of people in failed relationships. People who have dealt with hurt and brokenness and pain, on a real---REAL level. People who love God. Better yet, people who God loves. And so, instead of listening to these stories and bringing them before the Lord, what did I do? I hoarded them in my heart, right next to my pile of insecurities and doubts. 

So when my boyfriend calls to tell me a praise report, YES...A PRAISE REPORT, instead of listening to the victory of God's protection and faithfulness in the situation, I buckle in fear and enter into panic mode. His praise report supplied me with just enough material to fuel the momentum of my unhealthy "what-if's", which were all rooted in a lack of faith in God! And guys, as much as I'd love to say that this was my first time responding in this manner, I can't. The interesting thing about being in relationships with people(friendships,sisterhoods,leadership,etc.) is that the Holy Spirit will use those relationships to show you areas of your life that you aren't submitting to Him. I knew I struggled with fear, but I always thought it just affected me. But sin NEVER only affects one person (responding out of fear is sin because Romans 14:23 says " Whatever does not proceed from faith is sin"). Not only did my response deeply hurt Khory, it also allowed him to see a selfish fearful, sinful and dark part of me. EVen more than that, my response displayed a lack of faith in God and the power of His gospel. And that was the worst part. 

But God is faithful.

He has a wonderful way of continually extending His amazing grace and ever-abounding patience to His children. And the Holy Spirit teaches us how to extend that same grace and patience to others and ourselves. Two days after this happened. Heather Lindsey had this as her Facebook status:

"Stop anticipating what hasn't happen[ed] in fear. Instead, simply believe the best. Why is it that we put more faith in things NOT working out vs. things working out? Place your trust in God, HE provides, leads, comforts & takes care of you.. if you let Him. He flows through faith, not fear."

**********************************************************************************************

I remember this experience guys. Looking back at it now...I'm so ...appalled by my response, but that's totally where I was in that season. 3 years ago. I remember the dating process/courting, and the fact that I'm sure my fear stole so many of the precious moments. At the end of the day though, I'm so glad that Khory forgave me, despite the COUNTLESS mounts of times I responded to him in fear and that the Lord helped me to walk forward into this lifelong covenant with this amazing man. 

Are any of you in relationships? How do you deal with fears if/when they creep up?

Dear Younger Me

around 1997

Dear Diana,
     
    Breathe. No really. I mean it. Take this moment, and breathe. Intentionally. I know you're afraid, and you are soooo scared that you'll "mess things up." Let me remind you of one small detail (this is sarcasm, I know you hardly use it), God is God and He is for you. You're not somehow going to ruin the plan He has for your life, so just breathe and trust in His sovereignty. Let me break things down for you based on the things you're probably concerned about.

Faith   Php 1:6 is going to be one of your favorite verses. "Being confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will continue it until the day of Jesus Christ". "He who calls you is faithful, He will surely do it" (I Thess 5:24). You'll learn to trust these promises and hold on to them, especially in seasons when everything around you seems to be crumbling. When your self-righteousness fails, and it will, Jesus will be faithful to open your eyes to the reality that He's truly paid it all. God will call you deeper into an understanding of suffering  (wont be fun), but afterwards you'll have a fuller understanding of God and His goodness and the comfort of the Holy Spirit. You're only scratching the surface of the awesomeness of your Maker, and the real,raw, and sometimes uncomfortable implications of living a life marked by His love.

Fear
    This is an f-word that you really need to kick in the face. It's going to rear it's head again...repeatedly. But somewhere along the way, the Lord is going to teach you to not respond out of fear. Yes, its going to stop you from majoring in what you want to in college, and from doing a lot of other awesome things, and it almost stopped you from marrying the man you love (..almost),
****************yes..(you fall in love and get married and become a mom)...I'll address this in a bit.Well actually, I wont because I know you'll get paranoid and try clinging to it, instead of having faith in God...see how well I know you? Been there. Done that ;)***********
But, eventually,the voice of the Holy Spirit  will get louder than your fear..and you'll learn to follow His voice, and take chances when He gives you choices (yes, He does this).

Friendships

2010

   You have amazing friends! You'll continue to have amazing friends. You're going to meet people who will impact your life forever. Love them. Love them dearly, and let them know that they are loved, not just in words,but in action. Intentionally take time to spend with them, few things are more important than forging these relationships. Enjoy the season in life when you can spend hours on end talking and goofing off, because it wont always be like that. I know it's sometimes easier to  have your friends 'wait', but don't get in the habit of it. In the same vein, stop beating yourself up for not being "good enough". Show yourself grace. Apologize for mistakes, and don't get stuck in guilt or regret because these will eat you up. There will be pain along the journey, but remember my first piece of advice, He who calls you is faithful. He also has an amazing way of carrying you through the most painful hurts.

Family
   This one's kind of easy. They are awesome..and they're faithful. Tell them you love them as often as you can.

Future
You'll never have this all figured out. That's okay. You're not going to lose your passion for acting, or Jamaica, or people and oh yeah..you're love for worshiping Jesus through music..is going to go..public..yeah. You're going to get married to an amazing man, but don't spend time obsessing over this, in the same breath, don't spend time trying to avoid crushes. Haha. Your love for people-- wasn't your doing----it was His, and it was purposeful.
Your future...our future is beautiful.With all the beauty and mess called life, God is faithful..and good. He is very good. So breathe, He who began a good work in you will complete it. I love you.
   

2018

Adulting

Adulting. A new word that has made it's way into the English vernacular. What does it mean? Well, according to Urban Dictionary (reliable source):

Adulting (v): to do grown up things and hold responsibilities such as, a 9-5 job, a mortgage/rent, a car payment, or anything else that makes one think of grown ups.

Used in a sentence: Jane is adulting quite well today as she is on time for work promptly at 8am and appears well groomed.

Lol, well. That made me chuckle  giggle. You see, lately I have been trying to figure out this whole adult thing. And I've been failing horribly at it. I mean, horribly. 

Yes, I'm engaged. Yes, I graduated with a degree. Yes, I have a job. Yes, I pay rent. 

And while all those things may be true...

Yes.. I still make mistakes. Yes, I still didn't get that scholarship I applied for. Yes, I didn't update my address soon enough so missed  out on important information. Yes, I sometimes leave my fiance hanging during situations when he really could use my help. Yes, I sometimes cry because I feel as if I'll never get it right.And sometime all I want is to travel back in time to when my concern was "what Disney movie will be playing tonight?" (shoutout to all my old-school Disney watchers).

But God (I feel like this should be the title of my blog). Literally ..BUT GOD! He is so PERFECT IN ALL HIS WAYS! He has taught me so very much through this season of "figuring it out". I have realized that I am DEPENDENT. And if you know anything about me, you'll know I HATE being dependent on others, or feeling like a burden. However, being dependent on God is a beautiful beautiful thing. In this season the Holy Spirit has taught me that I need to be completely dependent upon the Lord, His Word, His grace, His Spirit , His perfection, and His absolute sufficiency. 

When I sin or fail, my tendency is to think evil thoughts. VERY VERY evil thoughts. I get "hopeless", and "pitiful" and downright evil in my thoughts. During those times it literally feels as if I am drowning in a sea of inadequacy and failure. But I have truly seen that  the WORD OF GOD is LIVING AND ACTIVE; Sharper than a double edged sword. It really pierces the division between soul and spirit, joint and marrow (Heb 4:12) It pierces and casts down the lies that I tell myself, the lies that Satan wants me to believe, and the lies from others.

Here are a few encouraging things for all of you who might be in a similar situation:

1. No one has it all figured out. No one. Although it seems like they do. No one is perfect

2. It is okay to fail. Just make sure you fail forward. What that simply (deceiving term) means is that you learn from your mistakes. You repent (if it was sin) , and you ask the Lord to help you gain wisdom on how to respond differently in the future. Prov 24:16

3. Be thankful and rejoice in the Lord...always! Yes..ALWAYS. Even on those days when you want to curl up under a rock. Find one reason to rejoice in who God is! I Thess 5:16-18

4.BE DEPENDENT. Yes. it;s a good thing to be completely and totally and utterly dependent on the Lord. He is sufficient. Remember that He is growing , and stretching, and pruning, and maturing you, for His GLORY. Php 1:6. He'll finish the good work He has started in you.

5. Have a goal, a vision, and a purpose for the Kingdom. This will drive you, even when you don't feel like being driven Matt 6:33

6. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Deut 3:16

7. YOU ARE NOT ALONE I Cor 10:13

8. Find strength and wisdom in Godly council and community. Prov 15:22

9. Pray for others. I know this is an odd thing to add on the list, but I've found that during these seasons, I can sometimes get so "me focused", I forget that others are out there carrying their own loads as well. May the Lord use you to point them to Him. Php 2:3-4

10. Have a blast! Really.You have life! You have breath in your lungs. Love Jesus. Trust Him. Treasure even the simple things in life. Psalm 103:13-19

Be encouraged. God is for us.