Crimson Sockets

I walked into the Bible study with my eyes blood-shot red because I had just finished one of my now-too-familiar crying sessions in my apartment. As I entered the study, it was one of those times when you KNOW that everyone notices that something looks different, but no one dares to ask...except him. Him. My awesome brother in Christ who is known for his bluntness and honesty.

" You look like you just woke up", he said, 

" No, I was crying before I got here" I replied dryly

"Oh" .... *insert awkward end of conversation here"

Not sure why I decided to be so uncomfortably honest in my response, but I had reached my end. I no longer had any regard left for what sounded socially correct and nicely polished. I was hurting and that was okay. This happened during the summer and while I'd like to say it was the first time I cried till my eyes were crimson sockets, that statement would be one of those nicely-polished lies I spoke about earlier.

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James 1:2-4  says "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials;  Knowing this, that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that ye may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

How awesome does that sound??? Well, not the entire thing, but the part that talks about us being "perfect and complete (entire), lacking nothing", sounds pretty splendid to me. Except, as you read the verses closer, you realize that the second half of the verses are contingent upon the first part. So basically, in order to be 'complete and lacking nothing", I have to first be able to have my faith tried by various temptations and trials and let patience have her perfect work in the midst of all of that.

Conceptually that may sound, acceptable, until you actually live it out. For me, this year has felt like the "various trials" part of the verse has been coming at me non-stop. Literally the best way to describe it is as if I am in an ocean drowning, and every time I manage to gasp back up for air, another wave crashes over me, and pulls me back under. 

For me, the strongest trial came in the form of fear, confusion, worry, not trusting God, and idolizing my emotions/ feelings. When I respond to life's situations in this manner, I end up sinning against God, and many times against others as well. It has been such an unpleasant (feelings wise) journey. Like honestly, you guys, I've seriously contemplated if I was psychologically unstable. When my heart is gripped by my anxious feelings, or worry, or fear, or confusion, it seems like I become a different person. In those moments, instead of "putting on the new man in Christ", my response is one that is closer to the "\old Diana. 

BUT GOD

He has been the true MVP this entire entire entire entire season. Jesus is so very very amazing! There is no way to stress that enough. If I'm going to be honest with you, I'll let you know that before this season of seemingly unending trials, I knew (in my mind) that Jesus was my savior and portion  and Lord, but my heart had a huge disconnect from the magnitude of what He had rescued me from. But now, I am able to more fully see Him as my refuge and saving grace. Seeing my sin more pronounced has made me realize even more-so, just how much I COULDN'T save myself, even if I wanted to. Romans 5 talks about how God shows His love towards us by having Christ die for us while we were still sinners. I am so grateful for that amazing truth. Knowing that His love for me is greater than my inability to get it right. Knowing that He never leaves nor forsakes me (Heb 13:5). Knowing that His grace is sufficient for me because His power is made perfect in my weaknesses (2 Cor 12:9). Knowing that even when pain, trials, and sin persist, He is still faithful to continue the good work He has started in us (Php 1:6).

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The Bible study that night , ended up being on James 1. I was able to wrestle through the difficulty of God's truth with my other brothers and sisters in Christ. At the end of it all, although none of my circumstances had changed, my mind was renewed and my perspective was lifted. I could finally see how having Christ as my perspective, made "counting it all joy" possible. I'm not going to lie and say that once you start being joyful in the difficult circumstances, that God all of a sudden changes your situation, but I will say that you realize  in the moments when your hands have failed, your feet have  fallen, and your countenance has shifted, that you can let your praise and worship of JESUS, convince and remind your heart and soul that He is truly your greatest treasure. So, if I ever have my eyes look like crimson sockets again (which I am sure they will) may they only be markers to point myself, and others to the crimson cross of Christ.

I know that You are good

"I feel you in the stillness, I know that you are good
My heart will stay steadfast, I know that you are good"


One of my favorite songs right now is Nearness by Bethel Music ft. Jenn Johnson

As the end of the  year approaches...I look back on it all..and I can say that it has been a year of painful growth. Extremely painful. Collectively, its been one of the most painful years for me, and that's okay! God is good. He is good at all times, in all seasons, in all circumstances. He is good. He is also constant. He never shifts or changes or gives up on us. He is faithful. No matter how many times I get it wrong, which I do quite frequently, He is faithful, in spite of me. His plan and will is going to be accomplished, regardless. His purpose is to glorify Himself, and He will do so in whatever way He sees best. And if  that's true, and my ultimate joy and delight is to see Him glorified, then no matter what happens, I'll always have a reason to rejoice.

"I feel you in the stillness, I know that you are good
My heart will stay steadfast, I know that you are good"

Nearness- Jenn Johnson

And then it hit me...

Thinking back to about 10 months ago: I was in my last "fall semester" of college and I had no idea what I was going to do post-graduation. Was I to go back home and find a job, go pursue my passion for being an actress, or stay in Tallahassee and intern with my campus ministry? I remember praying and crying and praying again that God would just give me a clear-cut, burning bush response about what He wanted me to do-which the path He wanted me to take. But I never really got any written in the sky, plane as day, responses. So, I became crippled with fear. Fear that, in trying to please God, I could somehow make a choice so, "out of the will of God's plan for my life", that He would just become silent for the rest of my life, and point an "I told you so" finger in my face. But, that's not the heart of a loving Father. That's not the heart of Jesus. Romans 5 tells us that while we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us. That means, He died for me before I was even looking His way. Before my heart was ever stirred to the truth of His unconditional love, He made a way for me to enter into His righteousness and perfect love.

Around the same time of trying to figure out what my next step would be, I had began to form awesome friendships with the incoming freshman in my campus ministry, I had just started started to "get to know" Khory, and I was asked to lead worship for the youth group at my church.

I remember meeting with my campus minister, Kane Miller, and telling him that I had no idea where God was leading me. And I remember him telling me that the reality was that all my options were good ones, and that God would honor them so long as I was seeking to glorify Him in each of them. WAIT.....WHAT?? You mean...I have the freedom to choose? The realization of such freedom, which could've made the situation easier, served to cripple me in fear even further.

I thought, "wow... now I have to choose? So, if something goes wrong..its DEFINITELY my fault. Great". This wasn't the proper perspective at all.  So I asked God to give me wisdom in making the best decision. It was approaching the time to make a decision regarding whether or not I would stay in Tallahassee, and I met with my campus minister again. This time, he helped to give me another perspective. He said, "I want you to intern, if you want to. If there are relationships here at CCF and things you want see God doing in your life here in Tallahassee, and you'd like to stay to see what God does, then I say, intern". Immediately when he said that, my mind went to the youth group at my church, my budding friendship with Khory, and the awesome awesome relationships I had formed, with the freshman ladies who had just entered out campus ministry. I also thought about the desire I've had all throughout college, to see a huge sweep of God's Spirit in the hearts of students on the campuses in Tallahassee. In light of all these things, without a burning-bush, I decided to accept the intern position with CCF.

A month or so after making the decision to intern, I attended the Passion Conference with my friendsand when Christine Caine delivered her message, I literally felt as if God was answering all the tears and prayers I had brought to Him from months before. I was so grateful to the Lord, for giving me assurance. 

Now looking back, I am able to smile, as I see that God was at work the ENTIRE time. Even though I felt as if He was completely silent, and ignoring me, He was at work. Working through various circumstances to direct my path

It would be easy to tell you that, ever since then, things have been peachy-keen and I've never had any form of doubts, but I'd be lying. I've questioned my ability to be an intern, I've questioned my ability to be a lead worshiper, I've seen SOOO many of my sins and weaknesses, I've questioned whether or not Khory and I should be together, I've even questioned whether God is really hearing me (again). And the list goes on and on and on.  But through it all, the Lord has been faithful.

Last Sunday was Open Mic night at my youth group. It was a night filled with middleschoolers and highschoolers, displaying the gifts that God has given them. I cried. I cried. Because it hit me...SOO HARD! God literally has me here in Tallhassee for a purpose. I was overwhelmed with the fact that I was in a place where I could combine my passion for the Performing Arts with glorifying God and with serving the youth. I was sitting next to my favorite guy (Khory), and the next day I had "work"...aka getting to equip and encourage college students to share the good news of Jesus on campus! WOW! I was blown away. When did this all happen? How did this all happen? Only God could have perfectly ordered my steps in such a way.

Here is a video of one of my youth girls. This is Mya. Mya is delightful. She is extremely perceptive to the emotions of others, she loves Whitney Houston, she can SIIINNGG and DAAANCE!! Most importantly though, Mya has encountered the beauty of Jesus, and I literally have the privilege and honor of watching her fall more and more in love with Him.

So be encouraged!! We serve a mighty mighty mighty good God, regardless of circumstances!

HOPErspective

It was summer 2010, and it was wonderful! This was the summer between my junior and senior year of high school and I spent it with one of my older sisters (Tara), her husband(love you bro), and my new born nephew at the time Zach (my favorite little boy in the whole world). I enjoyed being with my family, and my sister's church community welcomed me with open arms.

I met him there. My sister attended his life-group. A worshiper. A man who loved the Lord and loved others! He was so in love with his wife, and was super excited to take on the title of "Daddy" to his newborn little angel. He was excited about life! Summer passed and I took with me a host of unforgettable memories and new lessons learned.

Then I got a phone call from my sister. She was crying. She informed me that he had died.

Wait! Pause. WHAT?!!

No, he couldn't have. I just met him. He's awesome. His wife just had their baby. He loves the Lord. He loves people! No. What?

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Death. It rips to the core of our humanity, and brings to light the ephemeral nature of our lives here on earth. Sin leads to death. Ever since that first act of disobedience, we've been dealing with the ramifications of our sinful nature and thus, the painful sting of its off-spring (death). And not just physical death. 

• Relational death- failed relationships with loved ones
• Emotional death -the inability to have compassion. Unable to 'feel'. Unhealthy barricades around our heart, caused by past hurt
• Spiritual death- sin separates us from being in proper relationship with our Holy Maker

The truth is that whether you are a believer in Christ or not, we are living in a broken world. Life happens.  Pain is very real. So, what’s the difference? If 'bad' things are going to happen to both Christians and non-Christians, why follow Christ? 

Hope. 

In Luke Chapter 9, Jesus finds out about Lazarus' death. Jesus tells his disciples that He is going to head to Judea to go and wake up Lazarus. The disciples remind Jesus that last time He was in Judea, the Jews were seeking to stone Him. That's when Jesus answered "Are there not 12 hours in a day? If anyone walks in the day he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world; but if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him." (v.11-12)

There are 12 hours in the day, and 12 hours in the night (give or take a few). So think about it, if you are on an obstacle course...whether in the day or night, you're bound to experience the same obstacles. Disappointment, Heartbreak, Death. Failure…you name it. But what's the difference?

Light.

Jesus says in John 8:12 “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

There's the difference. When we walk in the light, we have a perspective of hope. A hope that exudes the character of the One in whom it is placed. We serve a God who is steadfast, unmovable and fails not. Thus, so is our hope. We have a hope that is steadfast, unmovable, and that shall never fail. No matter what happens in this life, our perspective shall forever be Jesus Christ. The One who has taken all the "death" that this world offers, and through His life, death, and resurrection, has reconciled us to the Father, and has given us life. The hope of eternal life.

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So, I’m sure you all are wondering what ever happened to his lovely wife?

                  I'll share with you a little excerpt from a note she shared almost a year after her husband went to be with the Lord .

                             " Although this hasn’t been an easy road to walk down, and it still hurts, sometimes worse than others, I can’t begin to imagine going through it without the Lord and without all of you and your love and support. I’m so glad my foundation is built on the Rock that can’t be shaken, no matter how hard the storm blows and the waves hit!"

He is life. He is the light. He is our Hope. 

1 Pet 3:15 15 but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,

Be encouraged,
 Diana

Hope for Joy

The Hope of Joy

The day started off great! I woke up to wonderful news that clearly attested to the way God showed himself as Jehovah Jireh (The LORD will provide- Gen. 22:13-14) in my life. I was on cloud 9. I mean, after trying to make ends meet for weeks (broke college students, you know what I’m saying) without asking my family for help (I wanted to be independent…God-dependent), God showed me that there was nothing impossible for Him! I was suuuuper happy. NOTHING could remove that smile from my face.

Then it happened.

The Black Bean Burger.

I was cooking my dinner- spinach and black bean burger, that I made (yum). *No, I’m not vegetarian, I was just trying to be for that week.* Anyways, I cooked the spinach and was heating up the burger in the microwave when I got a phone call. To make a long story short, let’s just say I almost burned down the house. The house smelled like complete smoke, and I was utterly embarrassed! Strike #1. A little damper in my day. No biggie right?

Anyways, since half my dinner got burnt up, I decided to head to a restaurant with some friends of mine to get…Buffalo Chicken wings (there goes the vegetarian thing). Buffalo Chicken wings happen to be one of my favorite things to eat. Soo yummy and delicious. I guzzle down the wings and I headed back home. In order to avoid being in a house that smelled completely like smoke, I decided to go to the circus with my friends. By  the time we reached the circus, I had the WORST stomach pain of my entire life. I mean seriously. I couldn’t walk standing upright because the pain was so excruciating. Strike #2. By this point all the happy bliss I was feeling in the morning had surely worn off.

The pain persisted, and as much as I hated being a downer, I had my friend take me home. In the midst of all the pain I lost track of my  cell phone and I didn’t know where to find it.  Strike #3

The next day I woke up in a mood completely opposite to the one I woke up with the previous morning. I was sad. I was so very very sad. The deep down kind of sad that you don’t really show, but you feel it all the way. I wondered “how could my emotion change so quickly in one day? From really happy to really sad?”

I started to talk to God, and really wanted to ask Him, why my day had taken such a turn for the worst. It didn’t take too long for Him to answer me. Joy. J O Y. Three simple letters that they make us sing about in Sunday School as kids, hold such huge implications for our walk with Christ.

Something that I am constantly reminded of, is the fact that  being a follower of Christ doesn’t make me immune to bad days, situations, and circumstances. I’ve known people who truly love the LORD who have unexpectedly lost their spouse, who have been out of a job for extended periods of time, who have been told that they have a life threatening illness, and who are battling to keep their marriage in tact. Do I expect to see these people dancing in circles and giggling up a storm? Of course not. Do I expect to see these people shed tears of sadness? Definitely.

Psalm 30:5 says “ For his anger is but for a moment; His favor is for a life-time: Weeping may tarry for the night, But joy cometh in the morning.”

As Christians there is always a hope of Joy. Always. Joy in the Gospel, the GOOD NEWS. Paul sums up the Gospel in Romans 5:6-11  “When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. 7 Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. 8 But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. 9 And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation. 10 For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. 11 So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God.” There is ALWAYS joy in that Good News.
   
God wants to be our source of joy. He wants to be our hope of joy. The Holy Spirit produces that joy in our life. The kind of joy that knows that even when all else fails, one thing remains--the love that Christ has for us. Nothing can separate us from that love. That gives me joy.

This is something I’ll constantly have to remind myself throughout life.

In regards to my original story-the smoke scent ended up going away, I ended up feeling better, and my cell phone was returned to me. By the time this all happened though, I had purposed in my heart, and reminded myself that hope of joy came from God Himself.

I’ll end with these 2 verses:
John 16:33
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

 Nehemiah 8:10
Then he said to them, “Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”

                                                                                                               Continually Waiting,
                                                                                                                                 Diana