Stepping into Motherhood

Hi, my name is Diana.

I am 25 years old.

I have a preschooler.

Confused? 

Yeah, I'm sure you are. Let me explain.

       Being a mother is a wonderful and unique role. I truly believe that God has fashioned and made mothers integral to the fabric of society. That being said, you know those little girls who go to sleep and dream of being a mother? The ones who walk around with their baby dolls in their toy strollers and sing them to sleep at night? Welp... I wasn't one of those. Nope. Well, not that  I remember at least. Even as I grew older, I never really pondered being a mother much. I mean, conceptually I always thought that one day... in the distant future..after years of marriage...then it would eventually happen, but it wasn't a burning desire I had, you know?

        And then one day..I became one. Okay...let me explain.

There is a huge long testimony of God's faithfulness amidst my sinfulness behind how all this actually happened, but I'm going to skip that one, for now, and tell you about the other story. Yup... the other one- the one about God's faithfulness amidst my sinfulness. Okay, so I guess the overarching themes are quite similar. Welcome to the Gospel. 

On July 30th 2016 I got married. I stepped into an everlasting covenant with my husband, and we both said "I do" before family and friends. We pledged to love and honor each other, to stick through the difficult times, and to trust that God would be glorified in our union. Most of you probably already know that part already. But what some of you don't know, is that on that day, I also became the stepmom of a toddler. And while I was supposed to be reveling in the joys of wedded bliss (which I did), I also quickly entered into a role...that I had very little preparation for. Don't get me wrong now, did I know that I was going to be a stepmom? Of course. Yet still, the transition was a lot harder than I expected.

Prenatal

   Moms often prepare for their transition into motherhood with multiple doctor visits,  prenatal vitamins, nesting-hopefully with the support of family, friends and loved ones. My transition entailed having scheduled meet-ups to get to know this little human, who would eventually my precious little girl....all amidst planning for the future with her father. Looking back now, I would've really benefited from having more involvement from my close friends, but I never invited them on the journey with me. 

Labor and Delivery

There really is no comparison I can draw between what a mother experiences during this time, so I wont even try. I didn't have hours of contractions, or experience the pains of birth, or anything of that sort. Instead, I  said "I do" to God and His plans for my life. 

Postpartum

This is the point where every mom, every parent, every family member, starts to adjust to their new normal. And ladies and gentlemen, guess what? It's at this point where I had the most difficulty. Its at this point that I was utterly broken and brought to the reality of my desperate need for God's help. The truth is, things didn't just transition smoothly into "normal"...well actually, they did..from the outside looking in. So what people saw was a newlywed couple, co-parenting, and doing a pretty good job at it. What they didn't see was my heart. Transitioning to marriage was one thing. Transitioning to motherhood was a whole nother ball game.

Honestly guys, it would be easy to tell you that my heart was always in the perfect posture before God. But the truth is, I wrestled a whole lot with my new role of being a stepmom. I wrestled with jealousy, fear, guilt, anxiety, anger, resentment, and a whole lot of ambivalence. I wrestled with getting used to my expectation vs my new reality. I wrestled with guilt of all sorts. The list could go on an on. So maybe my heart was in a right posture after all, because I was utterly broken. Don't get me wrong, I didn't let this affect the way I treated my little one, I completely dove into the role of being a her stepmom...or as my husband calls it.. "the human playground"lol. I never wanted my internal struggle to reflect in the way I behaved towards her, and I'm grateful that the Lord allowed me to separate my actions from my feelings. So I tried to fix my feelings. I did all I knew how to do, I prayed, and tried to look for some sort of article ..or blog or something that would give me a quick fix solution. But you wanna know what Christians seldom write about? Step parenting. Even more specifically, the experience of  being a stepparent before you have children of your own, and even more specifically, having this experience, while both spouses are in their first marriage. So yeah, I can't tell you how many nights I was restless...looking for some help, for some way to relieve all these mixed emotions I was experiencing. 

Embracing the God of the journey

God is faithful. That's what this entire testimony is about. During this difficult transition He revealed the ugliness in my heart in a way that made me desperate for His grace, mercy and help. I was brought to the place where I realized that only He can truly uproot deep seated selfishness and replace it with His selflessness. It didn't happen over night, it has been a process-one that I like to think will continue for the rest of my life, in various seasons and circumstances. I no longer wrestle with all the feelings I mentioned earlier, instead I am overcome with joy and gratitude when I think about the fact that I have the awesome opportunity to raise my stepdaughter. I love her with all my heart and I wouldn't want to imagine my life without her.