Draft Series: When Our Relationship Almost Ended

Originally Drafted: 5.24.2015

So, this week my relationship with my boyfriend, Khory, almost ended. 

You're all probably wondering what happened (and if you're not, I'm going to tell you anyway). So if you've been reading my blog for any amount of time, or if you know me well enough, it shouldn't  be a surprise to you that fear is something that I struggle with...big time. From the fear of the future to the  fear of getting it wrong... let's just say I have a plethora of apprehensions when I think about my life. So let me set the stage for my story:

Between last weekend and this week I have been hearing a lot of stories of people in failed relationships. People who have dealt with hurt and brokenness and pain, on a real---REAL level. People who love God. Better yet, people who God loves. And so, instead of listening to these stories and bringing them before the Lord, what did I do? I hoarded them in my heart, right next to my pile of insecurities and doubts. 

So when my boyfriend calls to tell me a praise report, YES...A PRAISE REPORT, instead of listening to the victory of God's protection and faithfulness in the situation, I buckle in fear and enter into panic mode. His praise report supplied me with just enough material to fuel the momentum of my unhealthy "what-if's", which were all rooted in a lack of faith in God! And guys, as much as I'd love to say that this was my first time responding in this manner, I can't. The interesting thing about being in relationships with people(friendships,sisterhoods,leadership,etc.) is that the Holy Spirit will use those relationships to show you areas of your life that you aren't submitting to Him. I knew I struggled with fear, but I always thought it just affected me. But sin NEVER only affects one person (responding out of fear is sin because Romans 14:23 says " Whatever does not proceed from faith is sin"). Not only did my response deeply hurt Khory, it also allowed him to see a selfish fearful, sinful and dark part of me. EVen more than that, my response displayed a lack of faith in God and the power of His gospel. And that was the worst part. 

But God is faithful.

He has a wonderful way of continually extending His amazing grace and ever-abounding patience to His children. And the Holy Spirit teaches us how to extend that same grace and patience to others and ourselves. Two days after this happened. Heather Lindsey had this as her Facebook status:

"Stop anticipating what hasn't happen[ed] in fear. Instead, simply believe the best. Why is it that we put more faith in things NOT working out vs. things working out? Place your trust in God, HE provides, leads, comforts & takes care of you.. if you let Him. He flows through faith, not fear."

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I remember this experience guys. Looking back at it now...I'm so ...appalled by my response, but that's totally where I was in that season. 3 years ago. I remember the dating process/courting, and the fact that I'm sure my fear stole so many of the precious moments. At the end of the day though, I'm so glad that Khory forgave me, despite the COUNTLESS mounts of times I responded to him in fear and that the Lord helped me to walk forward into this lifelong covenant with this amazing man. 

Are any of you in relationships? How do you deal with fears if/when they creep up?

Being Famous

This is one of those blog posts, that I have no idea if I will ever publish.*

You see, if I'm going to be truly honest and transparent with you guys, for a long time I have had the desire to be famous. 

I feel so lame admitting that. 

I feel so lame admitting that. 

                                       

I just recently had to come to that reality with  myself as cheesy and corny as it sounds. You see, I've probably never (or very rarely) said the words " I want to be famous", but I've definitely had a desire to have a huge platform, and be in Hollywood and boldly proclaim Jesus and His amazing love. I don't think this is inherently a bad desire, and I still have a passion for proclaiming Truth in an environment that in many ways is so blinded by darkness and deception. In all honesty though, although this was a desire of mine, I never did pursue fame....not for long at least (I was pretty gung-ho about being a Disney Chanel star in middle school..but then again..who wasn't?). Lol.

Lately however, I've found myself in a very interesting place. There's something about being in a place where you're still trying to figure out life; but also being bombarded with images of how everyone is living theirs; and wrestling with yourself (the parts you like and the parts you don't like); and wrestling with thoughts that don't always align with the Truth of God's Word that can truly leave you off kilter. Lately, I've found myself in this place more often than not. Little by little, however, the Lord has been reminding me of one simple truth. He's literally been calling me to Himself. Not to how my life is going to pan out, and not what my future will look like, not any of that. He's simply been calling me to His heart-to the beautiful simplicity of seeking Him for who He is. 

How simple?

How magnificent? 

How captivating?

And you guys want to know something? In light of who He is, all my other desires take their rightful place. In communion with Him, whether or not my platform is "large or small" (according to the world's perspective) doesn't matter one bit. THIS is the place where I find peace. Completely satisfied in God.

Don't get me wrong, It's not bad to hope. It''s not bad to dream. It's not bad to have desires. Just be sure that in all the hoping,dreaming, and desiring...you don't miss the One who is worthy of it all.

Be encouraged. He's so much greater than anything!

*The post was published..hence the reason you're reading it. 

#100daysofpraise Day 8: Hope for a future

May 26,2014

My praise for today is the fact that I got a fb message..that made me very happy. We'll see what happens. God is in control. Hope for a future :) I'll keep you all posted :)

I also went to the mall with a friend so she could get some stuff, meanwhile I took  pics in the fitting room. here's one: 

HOPErspective

It was summer 2010, and it was wonderful! This was the summer between my junior and senior year of high school and I spent it with one of my older sisters (Tara), her husband(love you bro), and my new born nephew at the time Zach (my favorite little boy in the whole world). I enjoyed being with my family, and my sister's church community welcomed me with open arms.

I met him there. My sister attended his life-group. A worshiper. A man who loved the Lord and loved others! He was so in love with his wife, and was super excited to take on the title of "Daddy" to his newborn little angel. He was excited about life! Summer passed and I took with me a host of unforgettable memories and new lessons learned.

Then I got a phone call from my sister. She was crying. She informed me that he had died.

Wait! Pause. WHAT?!!

No, he couldn't have. I just met him. He's awesome. His wife just had their baby. He loves the Lord. He loves people! No. What?

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Death. It rips to the core of our humanity, and brings to light the ephemeral nature of our lives here on earth. Sin leads to death. Ever since that first act of disobedience, we've been dealing with the ramifications of our sinful nature and thus, the painful sting of its off-spring (death). And not just physical death. 

• Relational death- failed relationships with loved ones
• Emotional death -the inability to have compassion. Unable to 'feel'. Unhealthy barricades around our heart, caused by past hurt
• Spiritual death- sin separates us from being in proper relationship with our Holy Maker

The truth is that whether you are a believer in Christ or not, we are living in a broken world. Life happens.  Pain is very real. So, what’s the difference? If 'bad' things are going to happen to both Christians and non-Christians, why follow Christ? 

Hope. 

In Luke Chapter 9, Jesus finds out about Lazarus' death. Jesus tells his disciples that He is going to head to Judea to go and wake up Lazarus. The disciples remind Jesus that last time He was in Judea, the Jews were seeking to stone Him. That's when Jesus answered "Are there not 12 hours in a day? If anyone walks in the day he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world; but if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him." (v.11-12)

There are 12 hours in the day, and 12 hours in the night (give or take a few). So think about it, if you are on an obstacle course...whether in the day or night, you're bound to experience the same obstacles. Disappointment, Heartbreak, Death. Failure…you name it. But what's the difference?

Light.

Jesus says in John 8:12 “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

There's the difference. When we walk in the light, we have a perspective of hope. A hope that exudes the character of the One in whom it is placed. We serve a God who is steadfast, unmovable and fails not. Thus, so is our hope. We have a hope that is steadfast, unmovable, and that shall never fail. No matter what happens in this life, our perspective shall forever be Jesus Christ. The One who has taken all the "death" that this world offers, and through His life, death, and resurrection, has reconciled us to the Father, and has given us life. The hope of eternal life.

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So, I’m sure you all are wondering what ever happened to his lovely wife?

                  I'll share with you a little excerpt from a note she shared almost a year after her husband went to be with the Lord .

                             " Although this hasn’t been an easy road to walk down, and it still hurts, sometimes worse than others, I can’t begin to imagine going through it without the Lord and without all of you and your love and support. I’m so glad my foundation is built on the Rock that can’t be shaken, no matter how hard the storm blows and the waves hit!"

He is life. He is the light. He is our Hope. 

1 Pet 3:15 15 but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,

Be encouraged,
 Diana

Banana Smoothies 101!

Quick story. So, I've been making a lot of smoothies lately (thanks to my room mate who lets me use her Magic Bullet). Experimenting with different fruits and flavors have been a blast for me. Pineapples and bananas go great together. Just saying! Anyway... the other night I went to go make a smoothie, and I saw that the bananas I had just purchased weren't fully ripened. So I looked on top of the fridge and saw that my roommate had one, fully ripened banana left. She wasn't going to use it that night, so I made a trade with her : 2 of my not fully ripened ones, for her fully ripened one.

God used this little barter exchange to teach me something. I realized that I'd rather have 1 banana in-season, than an entire bunch that haven't fully matured. Timing is crucial, you guys! Its everything! It makes the difference between a nasty smoothie, and a yummy smoothie..and even more so, it makes the difference between being in the will of God, and being out of it.

Hab 2:3 says “For the vision is yet for the appointed time;
It [d]hastens toward the goal and it will not [e]fail.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
For it will certainly come, it will not delay. (NASB)

Whatever God has called you to do, wait for the appointed time. Don't jump the gun. Whether it's a relationship, or an awesome opportunity that has presented itself. Trust in God, and be patient till the appointed time has come.

PROMISES

Happy New Year, you guys! I hope all my college readers have already submitted their FAFSA (yayy..money for school). 2014. Wow. Can you believe it? God is so amazing to have spared our lives to live to see this new year. Awesome bawsome (this is not a typo) !! So, as the new year kicks off, I've already had something totally wonderful happen to me. Wanna know what it is? Well...drumroll pleassssee!!!

God has restored my dreams and hopes! He has reminded me of some of the ways He wants to use me. During the Christmas Season, I was reading the Nativity account as written by Luke. I realized that Zechariah was mute until John was born because he questioned Gabriel the Angel, while Mary wasn't (although she also asked the angel  a question). I was curious as to why there was such a variation in response to Mary and Zechariah. So I asked God. Then I realized that the difference was the motive behind the question. Zechariah asked his question out of doubt, while Mary asked out of faith. Also, I would imagine that Zechariah, being a priest in the Temple would have been familiar with the story of Abraham and Sarah-  God blessed them with Isaac, despite their old age. On the other hand, never had there ever been a pregnant virgin...a child conceived by the Holy Spirit Himself! We see Elizabeth greeting Mary saying "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.” (Luke 1: 45).

So, for this new year, let us exercise great Faith in who God is! Let us hold firm to His promises, knowing that in Him there is no shadow of turning, His Yes means Yes, and His No means No!

Wait patiently, and in faith for the promise He has given you!

“Write my answer plainly on tablets,
    so that a runner can carry the correct message to others.
3 This vision is for a future time.
    It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled.
If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently,
    for it will surely take place.
    It will not be delayed.

4 “Look at the proud!
    They trust in themselves, and their lives are crooked.
    But the righteous will live by their faithfulness to God.[b]

And for all the readers who don't necessarily know what promise God has given you for this season in your life, do not be dismayed. Keep seeking Him, because no matter what earthly promises we might get, He is always our Greatest reward. He is enough, and He will lead you, and speak to you when the time is right.

Hope for Joy

The Hope of Joy

The day started off great! I woke up to wonderful news that clearly attested to the way God showed himself as Jehovah Jireh (The LORD will provide- Gen. 22:13-14) in my life. I was on cloud 9. I mean, after trying to make ends meet for weeks (broke college students, you know what I’m saying) without asking my family for help (I wanted to be independent…God-dependent), God showed me that there was nothing impossible for Him! I was suuuuper happy. NOTHING could remove that smile from my face.

Then it happened.

The Black Bean Burger.

I was cooking my dinner- spinach and black bean burger, that I made (yum). *No, I’m not vegetarian, I was just trying to be for that week.* Anyways, I cooked the spinach and was heating up the burger in the microwave when I got a phone call. To make a long story short, let’s just say I almost burned down the house. The house smelled like complete smoke, and I was utterly embarrassed! Strike #1. A little damper in my day. No biggie right?

Anyways, since half my dinner got burnt up, I decided to head to a restaurant with some friends of mine to get…Buffalo Chicken wings (there goes the vegetarian thing). Buffalo Chicken wings happen to be one of my favorite things to eat. Soo yummy and delicious. I guzzle down the wings and I headed back home. In order to avoid being in a house that smelled completely like smoke, I decided to go to the circus with my friends. By  the time we reached the circus, I had the WORST stomach pain of my entire life. I mean seriously. I couldn’t walk standing upright because the pain was so excruciating. Strike #2. By this point all the happy bliss I was feeling in the morning had surely worn off.

The pain persisted, and as much as I hated being a downer, I had my friend take me home. In the midst of all the pain I lost track of my  cell phone and I didn’t know where to find it.  Strike #3

The next day I woke up in a mood completely opposite to the one I woke up with the previous morning. I was sad. I was so very very sad. The deep down kind of sad that you don’t really show, but you feel it all the way. I wondered “how could my emotion change so quickly in one day? From really happy to really sad?”

I started to talk to God, and really wanted to ask Him, why my day had taken such a turn for the worst. It didn’t take too long for Him to answer me. Joy. J O Y. Three simple letters that they make us sing about in Sunday School as kids, hold such huge implications for our walk with Christ.

Something that I am constantly reminded of, is the fact that  being a follower of Christ doesn’t make me immune to bad days, situations, and circumstances. I’ve known people who truly love the LORD who have unexpectedly lost their spouse, who have been out of a job for extended periods of time, who have been told that they have a life threatening illness, and who are battling to keep their marriage in tact. Do I expect to see these people dancing in circles and giggling up a storm? Of course not. Do I expect to see these people shed tears of sadness? Definitely.

Psalm 30:5 says “ For his anger is but for a moment; His favor is for a life-time: Weeping may tarry for the night, But joy cometh in the morning.”

As Christians there is always a hope of Joy. Always. Joy in the Gospel, the GOOD NEWS. Paul sums up the Gospel in Romans 5:6-11  “When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. 7 Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. 8 But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. 9 And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation. 10 For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. 11 So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God.” There is ALWAYS joy in that Good News.
   
God wants to be our source of joy. He wants to be our hope of joy. The Holy Spirit produces that joy in our life. The kind of joy that knows that even when all else fails, one thing remains--the love that Christ has for us. Nothing can separate us from that love. That gives me joy.

This is something I’ll constantly have to remind myself throughout life.

In regards to my original story-the smoke scent ended up going away, I ended up feeling better, and my cell phone was returned to me. By the time this all happened though, I had purposed in my heart, and reminded myself that hope of joy came from God Himself.

I’ll end with these 2 verses:
John 16:33
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

 Nehemiah 8:10
Then he said to them, “Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”

                                                                                                               Continually Waiting,
                                                                                                                                 Diana