Weight and Body Image

You guys know how I thoroughly enjoy writing blog posts about lessons I've learned, and things the Lord has brought me through? Yeah? WELP, this ISNT one of those. This is one of the, "I am literally in the midst of this issue right now, and just about ten minutes ago I was having unhealthy thoughts towards myself", so...if you were hoping to read a blog post about how I've overcome my struggle with weight and body image issues...sorry, but this isn't that.

Freshman year of college 2011

I would love to start from the very beginning, except I have no idea where that is. Throughout the years my weight has fluctuated, within about 10-15 lbs, depending on the season of life. Usually, during life transitions I either gain, or lose weight, until I stabilize to my normal weight. For example in college during freshman year, I gained about..15 lbs (Freshman 15 anyone?), that eventually stabilized back to normal. 

Then around the time when Khory and I were dating, I ended up losing weight, and going back to my high school weight, unintentionally. I guess I was running off of the butterflies he gave me. After getting engaged/married, I gained back some weight.  Currently, my weight has once again stabilized, and I think it has established its new normal, but..this number still isn't the ideal number I would like to be.  

Wedding dress shopping 2016

So what's the big deal you ask? Well, the big deal is that, this time around...I haven't been very kind to myself, as far as the thoughts I have had towards myself. I am grateful for my mother-in-love pointing out to me that I wasn't necessarily being kind in the way I was viewing my body. So, although I have been exercising more often, and continuing to eat healthy, I have still been extremely hard on myself for the lack of progress I've seen. And honestly guys, I'd be lying if I said that unhealthy options for losing weight hasn't sometimes crossed my mind. I think we develop this idea of what beauty is and what it looks like for each of us, and sometimes it's frustrating when you feel as if you're not measuring up. In all honesty, no matter how many times other people say " your body is beautiful just the way it is" or the million and one compliments my husband gives me, if I don't believe them, then the impact is only momentary. 

Admittedly though guys, this isn't just a physical issue. I truly think the Lord is stretching me to love the way I look, and be kind to myself in an area that I didn't even think I was struggling in...or at least, not forthcoming about. The journey isn't necessarily fun, but I know it will be worth it. I want my daughter, and all her future siblings to know their worth in Christ, and to love the way the Lord has made them, even if they have aspects they'd like to improve on. 

So, here's my current game plan to having a healthier view of my body:

• I'll ask the Lord to renew my mind and habits
• I'll keep making healthy choices
• I'll speak and think kind words about my body
• I'll put on my red lipstick and dance/ sing as hard as I can to "This is Me" from the Greatest Showman ...it's therapeutic

If you're in a similar place, or have worked through your own issues with body image...I'm open to hear some words of advice/encouragement. Comment below. Love you all! 

Be encouraged, God is on your side :)

Draft series: 7th grade stalker

Draft date :11/8/2016

I was stalked... for a little while in 7th grade. Okay, maybe stalked is too serious of a term to call it, since the boy and I attended the same school, but, well...I felt stalked. You see, I didn't know this young man. All I remember is that he saw me at some point, and decided he wanted to get to know me. My middle school had a special building for the magnet students (BEAT Kids...don't let me get started on that), and it was on the other side of the school from where the other students were located. I don't remember the specifics of how often he followed me, but I remember a specific day when I was picked up late.

Most my friends had already left and I was still waiting to be picked up. And guess who appears? Yup, him. The young man who has been randomly popping up in places that I was. And so, having encountered me alone, with no one around. He finally asked the question he wanted to ask:

"Can I enjoy you?"

That was his question, guys. Now, if I wasn't weird-ed out before, I DEFINITELY was on edge after having a total stranger ask me if he could...enjoy me...not enjoy my company, not enjoy a conversation WITH me...enjoy...me.WHAT? So, how did I respond?

"Excuse me? Can you enjoy me? What do you think I am? Some kind of food, some kind of desert? What kind of question is that?"

I could clearly tell he was offended with my response...and in typical Diana fashion, I felt bad for my response to him. So I tried to make small talk about...the school bus. Needless to say, that was the end of the stalking.

This memory came to my mind earlier today. I still wonder where he got the question "Can I enjoy you?" from. But, maybe he was on to something, in the sense that we are all seeking and craving something to satisfy us, someone to satiate our deepest longings and  hunger. We were made to savor and enjoy Jesus. The word of God says " Oh taste and see that the Lord is good". Tasting and seeing has so much to do with our senses. The things, or people that we tend to enjoy most are the ones that engage our beings totally.

I mean, think about it. Drugs, sex, music, food, entertainment, nature, etc, all appeal and arouse some aspect of our senses at some level or another. And yet, when not enjoyed in the right context, these can bring utter destruction to our beings. *Yes,I believe there is a proper legal medicinal context for certain drugs.*

As I thought about the concept of Christian hedonism- fancy word for "pleasure seeking", I realized that I seldom truly grasp the magnitude of that reality. I was created to enjoy JESUS.... forever. Yet, I still find myself looking to other things and other people for ultimate fulfillment, and that's a problem.

So for anyone who wrestles with this as much as I do. My prayer is that we will begin to taste and see the goodness of our God. May we be reminded of His amazing love, and may or hearts burst forth with worship to Him. May His Word be what we desire in order to know Him, and may we walk in obedience, even when it is difficult. May we not fall prey to the ideology that He is a means to an end of material blessing. Surely if He is a means to an end, may we be reminded that He is the END. He is the Omega. For from Him, and through Him, and to Him flows all things.

I love how the Holy Spirit can use everything to point us to Jesus, even the memory an awkward question asked by a "7th grade stalker".

Dear Younger Me

around 1997

Dear Diana,
     
    Breathe. No really. I mean it. Take this moment, and breathe. Intentionally. I know you're afraid, and you are soooo scared that you'll "mess things up." Let me remind you of one small detail (this is sarcasm, I know you hardly use it), God is God and He is for you. You're not somehow going to ruin the plan He has for your life, so just breathe and trust in His sovereignty. Let me break things down for you based on the things you're probably concerned about.

Faith   Php 1:6 is going to be one of your favorite verses. "Being confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will continue it until the day of Jesus Christ". "He who calls you is faithful, He will surely do it" (I Thess 5:24). You'll learn to trust these promises and hold on to them, especially in seasons when everything around you seems to be crumbling. When your self-righteousness fails, and it will, Jesus will be faithful to open your eyes to the reality that He's truly paid it all. God will call you deeper into an understanding of suffering  (wont be fun), but afterwards you'll have a fuller understanding of God and His goodness and the comfort of the Holy Spirit. You're only scratching the surface of the awesomeness of your Maker, and the real,raw, and sometimes uncomfortable implications of living a life marked by His love.

Fear
    This is an f-word that you really need to kick in the face. It's going to rear it's head again...repeatedly. But somewhere along the way, the Lord is going to teach you to not respond out of fear. Yes, its going to stop you from majoring in what you want to in college, and from doing a lot of other awesome things, and it almost stopped you from marrying the man you love (..almost),
****************yes..(you fall in love and get married and become a mom)...I'll address this in a bit.Well actually, I wont because I know you'll get paranoid and try clinging to it, instead of having faith in God...see how well I know you? Been there. Done that ;)***********
But, eventually,the voice of the Holy Spirit  will get louder than your fear..and you'll learn to follow His voice, and take chances when He gives you choices (yes, He does this).

Friendships

2010

   You have amazing friends! You'll continue to have amazing friends. You're going to meet people who will impact your life forever. Love them. Love them dearly, and let them know that they are loved, not just in words,but in action. Intentionally take time to spend with them, few things are more important than forging these relationships. Enjoy the season in life when you can spend hours on end talking and goofing off, because it wont always be like that. I know it's sometimes easier to  have your friends 'wait', but don't get in the habit of it. In the same vein, stop beating yourself up for not being "good enough". Show yourself grace. Apologize for mistakes, and don't get stuck in guilt or regret because these will eat you up. There will be pain along the journey, but remember my first piece of advice, He who calls you is faithful. He also has an amazing way of carrying you through the most painful hurts.

Family
   This one's kind of easy. They are awesome..and they're faithful. Tell them you love them as often as you can.

Future
You'll never have this all figured out. That's okay. You're not going to lose your passion for acting, or Jamaica, or people and oh yeah..you're love for worshiping Jesus through music..is going to go..public..yeah. You're going to get married to an amazing man, but don't spend time obsessing over this, in the same breath, don't spend time trying to avoid crushes. Haha. Your love for people-- wasn't your doing----it was His, and it was purposeful.
Your future...our future is beautiful.With all the beauty and mess called life, God is faithful..and good. He is very good. So breathe, He who began a good work in you will complete it. I love you.
   

2018

Just some thoughts

• I graduated from college almost 2 weeks ago, but it still feels like summer break. I think it'll hit me during the Fall when everyone is starting their first day of classes, and I am not.

• My internship starts in less than a month and I am super excited. Its amazing to see how God completely shifted my perspective on this opportunity. He reminded me of the woman with the Alabaster box in Matthew 26. She poured the contents of her box, precious spikenard, on the feet of Jesus. The contents of the box could have been sold for one year's worth of wages. My internship is one year, unpaid. This is my alabaster box. Sure, I could be in the work force, but this is my alabaster box, poured out for my Savior. I am honored.

• KP(boyfriend) met some of my family... 11 of them, at one time. lol. That was...something. He is such a huge blessing in my life. So grateful to God for him.

• I'm trying to be a better friend. Look out for my phone call. Be patient with me. 

• I need to be more diligent with reading the Word. 

• Set and Embrace healthy boundaries in relationships, they are there for a reason. 

• It's okay to be clingy. When you're clinging to God. We were created for Him and there is nothing that this world could ever offer that could ever satisfy that desire. It is ONLY to the Holy Spirit that we can constantly communicate- 24/7 if needed. He does not get tired, or weary, or slumber. He knows our thoughts from afar off and knows the number of hairs on our head. He is not surprised by our shortcomings or failures or weaknesses. (Psalm 63:8). Cling to Christ

• God is the only constant. He changes not (Mal 3:6). In Him there is no shadow of turning (James 1:17). 

• God knows how to communicate with each of His children, uniquely! Listen for His voice, He is speaking!

• Seek God for who He is. Seek His heart. Never lose the wonder of the Savior Don't get so caught up with your own agenda that you forgot that He, Himself, is enough. Live by that. 

First Vlog...Kind of

Sorry if it's sideways, its being rotated :)

Thought Vomit

The semester has come to an end! Yay, thank God! I am almost finished with my journal that I started back in April, and as I read through it, I’m reminded of God’s faithfulness. I read some of the prayers/ concerns I wrote about earlier in the year and I’ve seen how He’s answered!  So faithful.

That being said, these past couple days have been  rough for me. I have been reminded (once again) that my worship, praise, and relationship with God has nothing at all to do with how comfortable I am. This has been such a difficult lesson to learn!!!
Here are some other things I’ve been thinking about/ having to remind myself of- even when everything in me seems to be saying otherwise.

I have to remind myself that my contentment and worth is found in Jesus Christ and no one else. Not friends, not social media, not grades, not family, not my talents…nada.

I have to remind myself that I am just as sinful as that man who did the shooting in CT. I need the grace, and blood of Jesus Christ to cover my sins just as much as he does. It’s a heart issue.

I have to remind myself that even though denying myself isn’t fun, it’s what I’m called to do.

I have to remind myself that God is sovereign and that His Will shall be done in my life.

I have to remind myself that God knows who he is ( he being my future husband… if there is one)

I have to remind myself to love others and view them through the lens of Christ. I need the Holy Spirit to help me love the way I ought to.

I have to remind myself to read and pray even when I don’t feel like it.

I have to remind myself, that even though I’ve seen so many of my sinful ways lately..Php 1:6 reigns true "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

I have to remind myself that of all the things in this life that I could wait for, I have chosen to wait for Jesus Christ, because He is the lover of my soul, the only one that can truly satisfy.