25: The Year I Was Never Enough

I posted a video of myself singing a clip of a song called"Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman. If I'm going to be honest, not a lot of people liked the video or commented..and old familiar feelings  began to creep in, but I didn't give in.

Sorry.

Let me back track, so this will all make sense.

On September 6th 2017, I turned 25, and I entered one of the most self-defeating, emotionally-crushing, spiritually-foggy years of my life (thus far). I felt like I fell short in every area, and I tried to fix things,but it was never enough.

Physically

As I shared in my previous blog post I have been struggling with my weight ,recently. I found myself utterly unhappy with my reflection in the mirror. So I did what I always did, I became diligent about going to the gym and working out. Yet, I still wasn't seeing the results I had hoped for. Thus, I found myself entertaining thoughts of weight-loss methods that I knew were unhealthy, but I was desperate. I was frustrated because what I was doing just didn't seem like enough.

Spiritually

Spiritually, I also felt 'off'. My relationship with the Lord and my enjoyment of who He is, literally is my life! So when I found myself feeling disconnected, I was super concerned and tried to scramble to find what I should do. "Maybe I need to pray more, or read more," I thought. So, I started a 90 day Bible reading plan (which I still haven't finished, btw) in order to hopefully spark the fire that I felt was  missing in my spiritual life. Still, I found myself in a place where I felt distant from God. I would pray and read the word, but I felt as if I wasn't hearing His sweet voice or responding to it the way I was used to. So once again, I was frustrated that what I was doing was just not enough.

Social Affirmation

This one is a little harder for me to describe because I had NO idea it was happening until...it exploded it my face. How delightful! If you know me, you will know that I am not a social media guru. I generally don't post too often, and my page isn't the most polished. So I didn't even see myself falling in this area, because I never really thought it was a problem. Let me explain.

It all started with me genuinely having fun and posting videos of me either singing worship songs, or just being my "everyday, usual Diana silly". Then something happened. People started liking, and commenting on my videos and being super encouraging. That was great. So, inevitably, I started spending a little more time on Social Media, checking out the pages of "influencers", and I thought "God, maybe this is a platform you're wanting to use me in". So then, I started to be more active and the likes kept coming. Before I knew it, although I wasn't in a good place spiritually, emotionally, or physically (based on my perception), I felt like ENOUGH when my posts got positive responses.

This place, my friends, is a very dangerous place to be. Within a matter of a couple weeks,  I had latched on for dear life to the affirmation of others with the hopes that maybe this would help me feel better, make me feel whole. Don't get me wrong, OF COURSE, I know that only Jesus can  satisfy me. I've blogged about it and told others this truth so many times, yet in my season of vulnerability...it felt so much easier to turn to something else. #REALTALK

I found myself grasping;grasping for dear life for others to tell me that I was enough (not in those exact words)...and it didn't work. Little by little, the views became less, and so did the comments, and I was left feeling vulnerable, irrelevant, and like I wasn't "enough".

Enough

Throughout this time I had felt the Lord tugging on my heart to draw near to Him, and I finally yielded. I got off my social media platforms, and He started to take me through a process of revealing to me that in Him I was FULLY known (sins and all), and FULLY loved. Throughout the weeks I read through John and the words of Jesus jumped off the page to me. He said "I am the bread of life, whoever comes to Me will never hunger, and whoever believes in Me will never thirst." His words were food to my starving soul. Once again, I had found myself trying to get full from the scraps of this world when my Lord has offered Himself FULLY as everything I'll ever need. Little by little, as I took my eyes off everything else and fixed them on Him, my perspective began to change. I started to feel more confident in my appearance, and I didn't really even miss social media. Instead, I was able to better enjoy the simple pleasures in life, and reconnect with a side of myself that I had forgotten was there. Once again, I was restored, not because I 'felt' like enough, but because I had feasted on the One who ACTUALLY IS! Jesus was, is, and always will be Enough, and because He is, I don't have to be.

I posted a video of myself singing a clip of a song called"Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman. If I'm going to be honest, not a lot of people liked the video or commented..and old familiar feelings  began to creep in, but I didn't give in because my "never enough" has been satisfied by the one who is ALWAYS enough!

Be encouraged,

Diana

Ashes of Defeat

We went to a worship night this past weekend. It was incredible. It was awesome being in the congregation and just able to worship, not having to think about anything else other than...Jesus. Kho and I lead worship at our church now, so on Sunday mornings as we worship with the congregation,we often are thinking of other aspects(such as the flow of the song, and if the band and vocals are on the same page, and transitions) as well as Jesus.

But on Sunday night we weren't leading worship, and the Lord faithfully fixed my eyes on Him.

The worship team began to sing Resurrecting by Elevation Worship. As I sang the words to this song, the Lord revealed that the words were a declaration of truth for my life.

                                           By Your Spirit I will rise from the ashes of defeat
                                           The resurrected King is resurrecting me

                                             

These past months have been ....different. I don't know what other word to use to accurately sum them up. I've wrestled with a lot of things I didn't expect to. For example, missing family members, walking with friends through really tough circumstances, adjusting to being a wife and a stepmom, missing the past and finding it hard to adjust to my new "normal", and the list goes on and on. And honestly, I never thought of myself as defeated, but as I think about it...I think sometimes part of me really did feel defeated. Part of me "mourned" (I know this sounds dramatic, but really) the way things used to be...the simplicity and comfort and ease I was once used to. Life has changed so much for me, which isn't a bad thing, don't get me wrong.  But the reality is that even good changes can be really difficult to adjust to sometimes. You know what I mean?

So as I sang that bridge with boldness, the Holy Spirit encouraged my spirit. It was as if He were saying Yes Diana, it's been tough. Yes, you've felt defeated, but do not be dismayed. I have not forsaken you. I am very much present in all of this. I will put the pieces back together. I will breathe life into what you thought was dead. You will rise from the ashes of defeat, by My Spirit.

It was so good to be reminded of that. To be reminded that Christ is risen, and because He is...so are we. We are risen with Him. That doesn't mean that life will be peachy keen and butterflies and cupcakes all the time, but it means we have a hope. A hope that is an anchor for our soul (Heb 6:19), a hope in the One who laid His life down in obedience to the Father, a hope in the One who refines us through trials, a hope in the One who can raise us up by His Spirit from the ashes of defeat.

Praise to Jesus.

Oh, I almost forgot, the line right after those 2 says

                                          In Your name I come alive, to declare your victory
                                          The resurrected King is resurrecting me

He raises us to life, so we can declare His praises.

How has the Lord raised you from the ashes of defeat lately? I'd love to hear about it in the comments!


Be encouraged
Diana


Oh, this is us...after winning the middle school basketball championship...undefeated all season.  Kho is the defensive coach :)

Waves

These past months have been marked by waves- waves of lessons, waves of reflection, waves of emotions, waves of Truth. In the midst of them, I despise them. Afterwards...I despise them. Okay, lol, I'm kidding about the afterwards part. In reality, the  Lord promises us that " suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us" (Romans 5:2-5). His word also reminds us that the "testing of our faith produces endurance, and the result of enduring is being mature and complete" (James 1:4). I believe this! One of the issues that I have is that after learning about one lesson, and the Lord teaching me through one wave, I start rejoi....here comes another one....


Let me clarify something: majority of these "waves" are not so much external things, as much as they are faulty conditions of my heart. Here are several of the ones I've experienced these past months, and what the Lord has taught, and is teaching me through it all.

1. Wave of me...wave of pride
This wave seemed to start off from a good place. The Lord bringing to my attention my sin. That's great right. Until...you leave it there. You see that story is incomplete. The Holy Spirit magnifies Jesus, not us, so the fact that I was fixated with what I was doing wrong, and how I have to do better, and how I am messed up, without responding by fixing my eyes on the beautiful Perfection of Jesus, is wrong.

Truth check: It is all about Jesus. (PERIOD). Really, it is ALL ABOUT JESUS. Sometimes I relate to God as if I think it's the Diana Show ft. Jesus Christ. I go about my day thinking about me, and then I sprinkle some Jesus in there. That is utterly messed up. It is all about Him. He is Lord over all. When revelation of sin, begins with sorrow and ends with me throwing a pity party about myself...I've missed the entire beautiful picture of the Gospel: Jesus choosing to lay down His perfect life for a sinful, broken, and messed up world.

Verses: Romans 11:36 For from Him, and through Him and for Him are all things. To Him be glory forever!Amen.

2. Wave of "I need to make a drastic change"
This wave is characterized by me feeling, you guessed it, I need to make a drastic change. LOL. "Maybe I should drop out of grad school?" "Maybe I should go pursue acting?" "Maybe I should go lead worship?" "Maybe this?" "Maybe that." The reality is ...maybe I need to be still and seek the Lord right where I am. Ouch. But really? I know my last post was about the transition in seasons, and you would've thought that I'd get the memo, but nope. I still wrestled with.. the " I need to be doing something totally radical to be 'in the WILL OF GOD' mindset.
Truth check: Being ' in the will of God' doesn't always look like what we think it should look like. Don't get me wrong, the same elements will be there, but they might not be manifested in the way we might be expecting them. Dying to self, taking up our cross, doing justice, love mercy, growing in righteousness, beign transformed in the renewal of my mind...all these things are ' in the will of God', and God is cultivating them in me...right where I am now. When he wants us to move, He'll let us know. I don't have to go pining over trying to figure it out.
Verses: Micah 6:8 He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
Romans 12:2 Be not conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the good, perfect, acceptable will of God.

3. Wave of guilt and regret
This has been the most recent one, and it hurts in a unique way. I keep recounting a decision I've made in my head..and it has felt like it's been driving me crazy. Ive cried about it, Ive prayed about it, I've thought about it, I've dreamt about it (well, more like a nightmare..and woke Khory up in the middle of the night with my crying...he's the best!), and I've thought about it some more.
Truth check: Although I may not be able to see the end of this one yet, I know that God will work through this. And that is all I need to know.
Verse: Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.

What waves have you encountered? and what has the LORD taught you through them? Id love to hear about it,


Be encouraged, He will bring the good work He has begun in us to completion :)

Diana

Desperate

I find myself in a very interesting  season:
I'm engaged to the man I want to marry
I got into grad school to study a topic I'm really interested in
My internship is coming to a close, and I've seen God do amazing things through it

And yet in the midst of all of this wonder, I find myself in a state of dependence. Total dependence. Well at least recognition of the dependence I need to have on God. Each day is a new battle. Each day is a new opportunity to press into Jesus and marvel at the wonder of who He is.

And honestly, as much as I'd love to say that I am always good at doing this, I find that I am not. Although I see a glimpse of my desperate need for Jesus, I still struggle with completely depending on Him. And although I know that NOTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD will ever satisfy, I still try looking to other sources for eternal joy. And they never satisfy.


So for anyone out there who feels tired, or weary, or helpless, this is just a short post of encouragement for you. Christ is sufficient. His grace is enough. Look to Him for He is the spring of living water that will never run dry. He never sleeps, slumbers, or grows weary. Jesus is enough.

Matthew 11:28-30 

“Come to Me, all [a]who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is [b]easy and My burden is light.”

Isaiah 55:1-5

 “Ho! Every one who thirsts, come to the waters;

And you who have no [a]money come, buy and eat.
Come, buy wine and milk
Without money and without cost.
2 “Why do you [b]spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And delight yourself in abundance.
3 “Incline your ear and come to Me.
Listen, that [c]you may live;
And I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
According to the faithful mercies [d]shown to David.
4 “Behold, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
A leader and commander for the peoples.
5 “Behold, you will call a nation you do not know,
And a nation which knows you not will run to you,
Because of the Lord your God, even the Holy One of Israel;
For He has glorified you.”

And then it hit me...

Thinking back to about 10 months ago: I was in my last "fall semester" of college and I had no idea what I was going to do post-graduation. Was I to go back home and find a job, go pursue my passion for being an actress, or stay in Tallahassee and intern with my campus ministry? I remember praying and crying and praying again that God would just give me a clear-cut, burning bush response about what He wanted me to do-which the path He wanted me to take. But I never really got any written in the sky, plane as day, responses. So, I became crippled with fear. Fear that, in trying to please God, I could somehow make a choice so, "out of the will of God's plan for my life", that He would just become silent for the rest of my life, and point an "I told you so" finger in my face. But, that's not the heart of a loving Father. That's not the heart of Jesus. Romans 5 tells us that while we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us. That means, He died for me before I was even looking His way. Before my heart was ever stirred to the truth of His unconditional love, He made a way for me to enter into His righteousness and perfect love.

Around the same time of trying to figure out what my next step would be, I had began to form awesome friendships with the incoming freshman in my campus ministry, I had just started started to "get to know" Khory, and I was asked to lead worship for the youth group at my church.

I remember meeting with my campus minister, Kane Miller, and telling him that I had no idea where God was leading me. And I remember him telling me that the reality was that all my options were good ones, and that God would honor them so long as I was seeking to glorify Him in each of them. WAIT.....WHAT?? You mean...I have the freedom to choose? The realization of such freedom, which could've made the situation easier, served to cripple me in fear even further.

I thought, "wow... now I have to choose? So, if something goes wrong..its DEFINITELY my fault. Great". This wasn't the proper perspective at all.  So I asked God to give me wisdom in making the best decision. It was approaching the time to make a decision regarding whether or not I would stay in Tallahassee, and I met with my campus minister again. This time, he helped to give me another perspective. He said, "I want you to intern, if you want to. If there are relationships here at CCF and things you want see God doing in your life here in Tallahassee, and you'd like to stay to see what God does, then I say, intern". Immediately when he said that, my mind went to the youth group at my church, my budding friendship with Khory, and the awesome awesome relationships I had formed, with the freshman ladies who had just entered out campus ministry. I also thought about the desire I've had all throughout college, to see a huge sweep of God's Spirit in the hearts of students on the campuses in Tallahassee. In light of all these things, without a burning-bush, I decided to accept the intern position with CCF.

A month or so after making the decision to intern, I attended the Passion Conference with my friendsand when Christine Caine delivered her message, I literally felt as if God was answering all the tears and prayers I had brought to Him from months before. I was so grateful to the Lord, for giving me assurance. 

Now looking back, I am able to smile, as I see that God was at work the ENTIRE time. Even though I felt as if He was completely silent, and ignoring me, He was at work. Working through various circumstances to direct my path

It would be easy to tell you that, ever since then, things have been peachy-keen and I've never had any form of doubts, but I'd be lying. I've questioned my ability to be an intern, I've questioned my ability to be a lead worshiper, I've seen SOOO many of my sins and weaknesses, I've questioned whether or not Khory and I should be together, I've even questioned whether God is really hearing me (again). And the list goes on and on and on.  But through it all, the Lord has been faithful.

Last Sunday was Open Mic night at my youth group. It was a night filled with middleschoolers and highschoolers, displaying the gifts that God has given them. I cried. I cried. Because it hit me...SOO HARD! God literally has me here in Tallhassee for a purpose. I was overwhelmed with the fact that I was in a place where I could combine my passion for the Performing Arts with glorifying God and with serving the youth. I was sitting next to my favorite guy (Khory), and the next day I had "work"...aka getting to equip and encourage college students to share the good news of Jesus on campus! WOW! I was blown away. When did this all happen? How did this all happen? Only God could have perfectly ordered my steps in such a way.

Here is a video of one of my youth girls. This is Mya. Mya is delightful. She is extremely perceptive to the emotions of others, she loves Whitney Houston, she can SIIINNGG and DAAANCE!! Most importantly though, Mya has encountered the beauty of Jesus, and I literally have the privilege and honor of watching her fall more and more in love with Him.

So be encouraged!! We serve a mighty mighty mighty good God, regardless of circumstances!

In the midst

Real talk: Reality is hitting me. Honestly. The reality of my impending graduation , mixed with the ambiguity of my future is becoming pretty overwhelming for me. It's definitely revealing many fears that I've somehow managed to tuck away in the dark crevices of my heart. But, Jesus is definitely shining His light on them. Some of these fears I thought I had overcome, others I didn't even know existed!

Fear of failure

Fear of disappointing loved ones

Fear of not fulfilling my purpose

Fear of being stuck

Fear of living a life of mediocrity,  because I was too afraid to follow my passions.

Many of my blog posts are written "after the fact". After  learning the lesson. After overcoming the fear. After being encouraged. But not this one. I'm writing this one in the midst. In the midst of the fear, and tears, and fear. And that's okay. Because God is still good. So, what's the plan of action? 

• Meditate on this truth from Psalm 37:3-7a:
• 3Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. 4Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. 5Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. 
   6And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
   7Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him:

•         Meditate on this truth from Prov 3:3-8
• 3Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart:
   4So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man.
   5Trust in theLord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
   6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
   7Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil.
   8It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

• Pray 

•  Work toward accomplishing the little goals that I have so far, (without becoming overwhelmed)

•  Be diligent in looking into options for my future ( without becoming overwhelmed)

• Give thanks, even in the midst, knowing that God has not forsaken me, and that He's faithful.

Be encouraged,

Diana

Nala

So, for all of you who know me, you are well aware that I usually go to sleep pretty early. Tonight however, due to some procrastination (shame on me), I was up later than I normally am. Usually, I just listen to my instrumental station on Pandora while working, but tonight I did something different. I decided to pop in the DVD for the ONE movie I have in my apartment. Anyone knows what it is? If you guessed "The Lion King" you're soo correct! One of my all-time favorite movies. I know the lines and songs..and all. and I think Simba is just totally adorable!

After submitting my assignment, I decided that I wanted to google to see if I could EVER make it to a live performance for the Lion King. To my surprise, the show is touring and will be in Fort Lauderdale in January. YAYYY!! As per usual, the website contained a link about the cast members, and it was on this page that God lead me to one of the biggest encouragements ever!

So, here's the scoop guys: I graduate in 7 months, and I am going to pursue something that has very little to do with my major. Yup, I'm going to pursue Acting. As mind-blowing as it sounds, God has really just been gently encouraging me in that direction. That being said...I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE! I mean, I haven't been in a play in over a year, and I haven't been actively working on honing my craft.

But, back to present day....

While on the cast page, I see that the female who is playing NALA (Chantel Riley) wrote about Jesus in her mini cast profile. That sent me on an internet hunt for her. I finally found her on Youtube, Twitter, and Instagram. Here is a video I found on Youtube about her story..

In short..she was working a typical 9-5; singing at church; and waiting on the Lord. Her friend tells her about Lion King auditions and she attends...and she gets cast for the role of Nala! WOW. Literally God blew my mind with her story! I always joke about wanting to be Nala. Let's just say God has a VERY unique way of communicating with His children.

The Lord used her story to encourage me to keep trusting Him with the desires and gifts He has given me. I have a list of goals that I am working towards in order to better develop my skills so that when the opportunity arises or when God says 'Go', I'll be ready to deliver and glorify His name.

Proverbs 3:5-6

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

    and do not lean on your own understanding.

6 

In all your ways acknowledge him,

    and he will make straight your paths

Be encouraged!DREAM BIG because God IS BIGGER!Trust in the Lord! He who calls you, is faithful :)

Until next time,

Diana