25: The Year I Was Never Enough

I posted a video of myself singing a clip of a song called"Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman. If I'm going to be honest, not a lot of people liked the video or commented..and old familiar feelings  began to creep in, but I didn't give in.

Sorry.

Let me back track, so this will all make sense.

On September 6th 2017, I turned 25, and I entered one of the most self-defeating, emotionally-crushing, spiritually-foggy years of my life (thus far). I felt like I fell short in every area, and I tried to fix things,but it was never enough.

Physically

As I shared in my previous blog post I have been struggling with my weight ,recently. I found myself utterly unhappy with my reflection in the mirror. So I did what I always did, I became diligent about going to the gym and working out. Yet, I still wasn't seeing the results I had hoped for. Thus, I found myself entertaining thoughts of weight-loss methods that I knew were unhealthy, but I was desperate. I was frustrated because what I was doing just didn't seem like enough.

Spiritually

Spiritually, I also felt 'off'. My relationship with the Lord and my enjoyment of who He is, literally is my life! So when I found myself feeling disconnected, I was super concerned and tried to scramble to find what I should do. "Maybe I need to pray more, or read more," I thought. So, I started a 90 day Bible reading plan (which I still haven't finished, btw) in order to hopefully spark the fire that I felt was  missing in my spiritual life. Still, I found myself in a place where I felt distant from God. I would pray and read the word, but I felt as if I wasn't hearing His sweet voice or responding to it the way I was used to. So once again, I was frustrated that what I was doing was just not enough.

Social Affirmation

This one is a little harder for me to describe because I had NO idea it was happening until...it exploded it my face. How delightful! If you know me, you will know that I am not a social media guru. I generally don't post too often, and my page isn't the most polished. So I didn't even see myself falling in this area, because I never really thought it was a problem. Let me explain.

It all started with me genuinely having fun and posting videos of me either singing worship songs, or just being my "everyday, usual Diana silly". Then something happened. People started liking, and commenting on my videos and being super encouraging. That was great. So, inevitably, I started spending a little more time on Social Media, checking out the pages of "influencers", and I thought "God, maybe this is a platform you're wanting to use me in". So then, I started to be more active and the likes kept coming. Before I knew it, although I wasn't in a good place spiritually, emotionally, or physically (based on my perception), I felt like ENOUGH when my posts got positive responses.

This place, my friends, is a very dangerous place to be. Within a matter of a couple weeks,  I had latched on for dear life to the affirmation of others with the hopes that maybe this would help me feel better, make me feel whole. Don't get me wrong, OF COURSE, I know that only Jesus can  satisfy me. I've blogged about it and told others this truth so many times, yet in my season of vulnerability...it felt so much easier to turn to something else. #REALTALK

I found myself grasping;grasping for dear life for others to tell me that I was enough (not in those exact words)...and it didn't work. Little by little, the views became less, and so did the comments, and I was left feeling vulnerable, irrelevant, and like I wasn't "enough".

Enough

Throughout this time I had felt the Lord tugging on my heart to draw near to Him, and I finally yielded. I got off my social media platforms, and He started to take me through a process of revealing to me that in Him I was FULLY known (sins and all), and FULLY loved. Throughout the weeks I read through John and the words of Jesus jumped off the page to me. He said "I am the bread of life, whoever comes to Me will never hunger, and whoever believes in Me will never thirst." His words were food to my starving soul. Once again, I had found myself trying to get full from the scraps of this world when my Lord has offered Himself FULLY as everything I'll ever need. Little by little, as I took my eyes off everything else and fixed them on Him, my perspective began to change. I started to feel more confident in my appearance, and I didn't really even miss social media. Instead, I was able to better enjoy the simple pleasures in life, and reconnect with a side of myself that I had forgotten was there. Once again, I was restored, not because I 'felt' like enough, but because I had feasted on the One who ACTUALLY IS! Jesus was, is, and always will be Enough, and because He is, I don't have to be.

I posted a video of myself singing a clip of a song called"Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman. If I'm going to be honest, not a lot of people liked the video or commented..and old familiar feelings  began to creep in, but I didn't give in because my "never enough" has been satisfied by the one who is ALWAYS enough!

Be encouraged,

Diana

Weight and Body Image

You guys know how I thoroughly enjoy writing blog posts about lessons I've learned, and things the Lord has brought me through? Yeah? WELP, this ISNT one of those. This is one of the, "I am literally in the midst of this issue right now, and just about ten minutes ago I was having unhealthy thoughts towards myself", so...if you were hoping to read a blog post about how I've overcome my struggle with weight and body image issues...sorry, but this isn't that.

Freshman year of college 2011

I would love to start from the very beginning, except I have no idea where that is. Throughout the years my weight has fluctuated, within about 10-15 lbs, depending on the season of life. Usually, during life transitions I either gain, or lose weight, until I stabilize to my normal weight. For example in college during freshman year, I gained about..15 lbs (Freshman 15 anyone?), that eventually stabilized back to normal. 

Then around the time when Khory and I were dating, I ended up losing weight, and going back to my high school weight, unintentionally. I guess I was running off of the butterflies he gave me. After getting engaged/married, I gained back some weight.  Currently, my weight has once again stabilized, and I think it has established its new normal, but..this number still isn't the ideal number I would like to be.  

Wedding dress shopping 2016

So what's the big deal you ask? Well, the big deal is that, this time around...I haven't been very kind to myself, as far as the thoughts I have had towards myself. I am grateful for my mother-in-love pointing out to me that I wasn't necessarily being kind in the way I was viewing my body. So, although I have been exercising more often, and continuing to eat healthy, I have still been extremely hard on myself for the lack of progress I've seen. And honestly guys, I'd be lying if I said that unhealthy options for losing weight hasn't sometimes crossed my mind. I think we develop this idea of what beauty is and what it looks like for each of us, and sometimes it's frustrating when you feel as if you're not measuring up. In all honesty, no matter how many times other people say " your body is beautiful just the way it is" or the million and one compliments my husband gives me, if I don't believe them, then the impact is only momentary. 

Admittedly though guys, this isn't just a physical issue. I truly think the Lord is stretching me to love the way I look, and be kind to myself in an area that I didn't even think I was struggling in...or at least, not forthcoming about. The journey isn't necessarily fun, but I know it will be worth it. I want my daughter, and all her future siblings to know their worth in Christ, and to love the way the Lord has made them, even if they have aspects they'd like to improve on. 

So, here's my current game plan to having a healthier view of my body:

• I'll ask the Lord to renew my mind and habits
• I'll keep making healthy choices
• I'll speak and think kind words about my body
• I'll put on my red lipstick and dance/ sing as hard as I can to "This is Me" from the Greatest Showman ...it's therapeutic

If you're in a similar place, or have worked through your own issues with body image...I'm open to hear some words of advice/encouragement. Comment below. Love you all! 

Be encouraged, God is on your side :)

Dear Younger Me

around 1997

Dear Diana,
     
    Breathe. No really. I mean it. Take this moment, and breathe. Intentionally. I know you're afraid, and you are soooo scared that you'll "mess things up." Let me remind you of one small detail (this is sarcasm, I know you hardly use it), God is God and He is for you. You're not somehow going to ruin the plan He has for your life, so just breathe and trust in His sovereignty. Let me break things down for you based on the things you're probably concerned about.

Faith   Php 1:6 is going to be one of your favorite verses. "Being confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will continue it until the day of Jesus Christ". "He who calls you is faithful, He will surely do it" (I Thess 5:24). You'll learn to trust these promises and hold on to them, especially in seasons when everything around you seems to be crumbling. When your self-righteousness fails, and it will, Jesus will be faithful to open your eyes to the reality that He's truly paid it all. God will call you deeper into an understanding of suffering  (wont be fun), but afterwards you'll have a fuller understanding of God and His goodness and the comfort of the Holy Spirit. You're only scratching the surface of the awesomeness of your Maker, and the real,raw, and sometimes uncomfortable implications of living a life marked by His love.

Fear
    This is an f-word that you really need to kick in the face. It's going to rear it's head again...repeatedly. But somewhere along the way, the Lord is going to teach you to not respond out of fear. Yes, its going to stop you from majoring in what you want to in college, and from doing a lot of other awesome things, and it almost stopped you from marrying the man you love (..almost),
****************yes..(you fall in love and get married and become a mom)...I'll address this in a bit.Well actually, I wont because I know you'll get paranoid and try clinging to it, instead of having faith in God...see how well I know you? Been there. Done that ;)***********
But, eventually,the voice of the Holy Spirit  will get louder than your fear..and you'll learn to follow His voice, and take chances when He gives you choices (yes, He does this).

Friendships

2010

   You have amazing friends! You'll continue to have amazing friends. You're going to meet people who will impact your life forever. Love them. Love them dearly, and let them know that they are loved, not just in words,but in action. Intentionally take time to spend with them, few things are more important than forging these relationships. Enjoy the season in life when you can spend hours on end talking and goofing off, because it wont always be like that. I know it's sometimes easier to  have your friends 'wait', but don't get in the habit of it. In the same vein, stop beating yourself up for not being "good enough". Show yourself grace. Apologize for mistakes, and don't get stuck in guilt or regret because these will eat you up. There will be pain along the journey, but remember my first piece of advice, He who calls you is faithful. He also has an amazing way of carrying you through the most painful hurts.

Family
   This one's kind of easy. They are awesome..and they're faithful. Tell them you love them as often as you can.

Future
You'll never have this all figured out. That's okay. You're not going to lose your passion for acting, or Jamaica, or people and oh yeah..you're love for worshiping Jesus through music..is going to go..public..yeah. You're going to get married to an amazing man, but don't spend time obsessing over this, in the same breath, don't spend time trying to avoid crushes. Haha. Your love for people-- wasn't your doing----it was His, and it was purposeful.
Your future...our future is beautiful.With all the beauty and mess called life, God is faithful..and good. He is very good. So breathe, He who began a good work in you will complete it. I love you.
   

2018

Be still, my child

Be still, my child
Be still and rest
Knowing that I have already conquered the grave.
I am your rest.
In this world you will have trouble, but take heart,
Do not be discouraged, for I have overcome the world.
Greater is He that is in you.
I am in you.


I see your sin;
I see your shame;
I see your guilt;
I see the moments when you look to others for satisfaction;
I taught you not to do that- a long time ago.
But, I am patient.
I will be here, to teach you again, because I am not only the Author, but the Perfecter of your faith.


I delight in your worship of ME
It is what you were created for.
Worship me, even when you don't feel like it
Because I am still worthy.

Have you not realized?
Emotions change,
Feelings change
Seasons change
people change
But I, the Lord, your God, I change not.
I am consistent. Not predictable. Consistent.

Be still, my child
Be still and rest
Knowing that I have already conquered the grave.
I am your rest.
In this world you will have trouble, but take heart,
Do not be discouraged, for I have overcome the world.
Greater is He that is in you.
In me, you will be made whole.

2AM

Hey guys, if you know anything about me, you know it's WAYYY past my usual bedtime! I'm up studying for an exam (shout-out to Vickie for the Cuban coffee). While I'm studying for this Foundations of Counseling exam, I have something weighing on my heart and mind. I won't bother to divulge all the deats, but a song just came on my Pandora station "Jesus, Lover of My Soul". Its a really simple song, and the part that got me were these lyrics:

"It's all about You, Jesus
And all this is for You
For Your glory and your fame
It's not about me
As if You should do things my way
You alone are God
And I surrender to your ways"

I'm just reminded what living a life of surrender means. You know. How presumptuous of me to think that God has to work things out the way I think He should, on my time table. Silly Diana.  I really need to just soak these verses in:

 8" For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," saith the Lord.

9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

(Isaiah 55:8-9)

I hear you Daddy, you have way better ideas than my puny brain could ever formulate. I trust in You.

Night you guys,

Diana

Banana Smoothies 101!

Quick story. So, I've been making a lot of smoothies lately (thanks to my room mate who lets me use her Magic Bullet). Experimenting with different fruits and flavors have been a blast for me. Pineapples and bananas go great together. Just saying! Anyway... the other night I went to go make a smoothie, and I saw that the bananas I had just purchased weren't fully ripened. So I looked on top of the fridge and saw that my roommate had one, fully ripened banana left. She wasn't going to use it that night, so I made a trade with her : 2 of my not fully ripened ones, for her fully ripened one.

God used this little barter exchange to teach me something. I realized that I'd rather have 1 banana in-season, than an entire bunch that haven't fully matured. Timing is crucial, you guys! Its everything! It makes the difference between a nasty smoothie, and a yummy smoothie..and even more so, it makes the difference between being in the will of God, and being out of it.

Hab 2:3 says “For the vision is yet for the appointed time;
It [d]hastens toward the goal and it will not [e]fail.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
For it will certainly come, it will not delay. (NASB)

Whatever God has called you to do, wait for the appointed time. Don't jump the gun. Whether it's a relationship, or an awesome opportunity that has presented itself. Trust in God, and be patient till the appointed time has come.