Draft Series: When Our Relationship Almost Ended

Originally Drafted: 5.24.2015

So, this week my relationship with my boyfriend, Khory, almost ended. 

You're all probably wondering what happened (and if you're not, I'm going to tell you anyway). So if you've been reading my blog for any amount of time, or if you know me well enough, it shouldn't  be a surprise to you that fear is something that I struggle with...big time. From the fear of the future to the  fear of getting it wrong... let's just say I have a plethora of apprehensions when I think about my life. So let me set the stage for my story:

Between last weekend and this week I have been hearing a lot of stories of people in failed relationships. People who have dealt with hurt and brokenness and pain, on a real---REAL level. People who love God. Better yet, people who God loves. And so, instead of listening to these stories and bringing them before the Lord, what did I do? I hoarded them in my heart, right next to my pile of insecurities and doubts. 

So when my boyfriend calls to tell me a praise report, YES...A PRAISE REPORT, instead of listening to the victory of God's protection and faithfulness in the situation, I buckle in fear and enter into panic mode. His praise report supplied me with just enough material to fuel the momentum of my unhealthy "what-if's", which were all rooted in a lack of faith in God! And guys, as much as I'd love to say that this was my first time responding in this manner, I can't. The interesting thing about being in relationships with people(friendships,sisterhoods,leadership,etc.) is that the Holy Spirit will use those relationships to show you areas of your life that you aren't submitting to Him. I knew I struggled with fear, but I always thought it just affected me. But sin NEVER only affects one person (responding out of fear is sin because Romans 14:23 says " Whatever does not proceed from faith is sin"). Not only did my response deeply hurt Khory, it also allowed him to see a selfish fearful, sinful and dark part of me. EVen more than that, my response displayed a lack of faith in God and the power of His gospel. And that was the worst part. 

But God is faithful.

He has a wonderful way of continually extending His amazing grace and ever-abounding patience to His children. And the Holy Spirit teaches us how to extend that same grace and patience to others and ourselves. Two days after this happened. Heather Lindsey had this as her Facebook status:

"Stop anticipating what hasn't happen[ed] in fear. Instead, simply believe the best. Why is it that we put more faith in things NOT working out vs. things working out? Place your trust in God, HE provides, leads, comforts & takes care of you.. if you let Him. He flows through faith, not fear."

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I remember this experience guys. Looking back at it now...I'm so ...appalled by my response, but that's totally where I was in that season. 3 years ago. I remember the dating process/courting, and the fact that I'm sure my fear stole so many of the precious moments. At the end of the day though, I'm so glad that Khory forgave me, despite the COUNTLESS mounts of times I responded to him in fear and that the Lord helped me to walk forward into this lifelong covenant with this amazing man. 

Are any of you in relationships? How do you deal with fears if/when they creep up?

6 Months Ago...

6 months ago I said ‘yes’. Well, actually I said (in a nervous frenzy) “ I can’t talk about this right now, can I give you an answer later?, I have to go practice”…then about an hour and a half later…I said yes. I said yes and I was so scared.

 In case you guys haven’t already figured out, I am not the most social-media friendly person. I don’t often post things on Facebook, and when I do, it’s usually about God and His awesomeness. I like it that way. It’s safe. God’s goodness never changes-regardless of my circumstances. Thus, I feel safe displaying His wonder to the world, because He is the only one who was, and is, and is to come. He is faithful. He is unchanging.

This year God has definitely been dispelling a lot of “fears” of mine, and has graciously furthered my understanding of the Gospel and His amazing grace towards me.  My relationship with Khory has been no exception. So who is this Khory? Well, hmm…how do I describe him? He is one of the most servant-hearted, kind, and loving young man that I know. *vulnerability alert*. He is VERY different from me in many ways, yet those differences point me toward Christ in such a beautiful way. He is quick to apologize when wrong, and he is gentle, patient, and honest. My favorite thing about Khory, by far, is his humility before the Father. His commitment to wanting to know the will of the Lord, and His obedience to Jesus. He makes me laugh, a lot…and has the utmost appreciation for my weird quirks. All in all though, God has been the true champion in this relationship. These past 6 months have brought some of the most beautiful, but also some of the most painful (more than I have ever expected) moments in my life, so far. But God has used all of these moments- the beautiful, the painful, the mundane, to further and deepen my understanding of who HE is, and the AMAZING love He has towards His children. I understand the grace of God so much more, the amazing power of Christ to transform hearts in a way like no other, and the intimate concern and leading of the Holy Spirit in EVERY area of our lives. Jesus has glorified Himself in this relationship, and that has been my favorite part of this journey so far.

So yeah, is it scary making a blog post about this relationship? OF COURSE! That means not only is there room for error and mistake and failure…but there’s the possibility that you guys will see that. But in all honesty, that’s not such a bad thing. If I can be assured that Christ will be exalted and glorified in the midst of the failures and disappointments, just as much as the accomplishments and rejoicings…why be lead by fear? So, as Khory and I have discussed, whether or not we end up getting married or the relationship ends, may it all be to the glory of God and the fame of His name.

On that note,

Happy 6 monthaversary to my favorite, most handsome dread-head in the whole wide world! I love you dearly, and I pray that we continue to magnify the Lord and exalt His name together. Psalm 34

Worth the Wait

I've heard the phrase "Worth the Wait" used many times with regards to an individual's commitment to purity unto God and their future spouse.What a bold proclamation of truth in the midst of a society that praises instant gratification, and has a "in less than 5 minutes" option for just about everything.
The title of my blog is "Waiting for Him", and it's based on the verse from Hosea 12:6. A verse that reminds us to "hold fast to love and justice, and to wait for [our] Lord God continually" (ESV). I don't know about you all, but for me, waiting has a distinct feeling- one characterized by unique amalgamation of anticipation & pain, longing & forbearance, desire & sometimes doubt. This morning I read an article on DesiringGod.com , written by David Mathis, and these words stuck out to me, 

 "But part of waiting is the conscious hardship. We taste the bitter pill of patience and feel it slither ever so slowly down our throat. It’s not patience when we’re gloriously unaware of the waiting."

These words truly opened my eyes to the reality of my heart. You see, I usually don't mind waiting...as long as it doesn't feel like waiting. For example, if I'm having visitors over and I'm scrambling up to the last minute of their arrival (due to my procrastination), it doesn't exactly  feel as if I've waited upon their arrival. However, if I've cleaned my house ahead of time and had nothing else to actively do in preparation for my guests, I would find myself looking out the window every 5 minutes in anticipated expectation. That's what waiting feels like. 

As followers of Christ, we are constantly exhorted to "wait on the Lord". I don't think this is a mindless-twiddling-your-thumb kind of waiting, but it IS waiting nonetheless. It SHOULD have a distinct feel to it. A feeling of hope, joy, expectation, longing. In Christ we have the freedom to have "patience and endurance with joy" (Col 1:11). The reality of knowing that when Jesus died on our behalf, He fully took the wrath of God that we deserved, and in His resurrection, He has reconciled us to the Father is Good News. This means I don't have to be scrambling around trying to earn my salvation, in fear that my life will end, and I wont be ready. Instead this gives me the freedom to live life...actually live life. Live life in freedom and obedience to the Savior, knowing that I have already been justified,forgiven, reconciled, and I'm continually being transformed into the image of Christ.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 says to "give thanks in all things", and I literally believe that this verse means exactly what it says. Honestly though, upon til like ...an hour ago, I've NEVER once remembered ever saying thanks to God for having the opportunity to wait on Him. I have never seen waiting as something to be actively thankful for. Why not? Because my rationale behind waiting is: 

whoever is being waited upon, should say thanks to the person who is actively doing the waiting. 

And while that logic probably has some social relevance, when it comes to the matter of waiting upon the Creator of the Universe...erm...that ideology is pretty faulty. I am not waiting on God in hopes that He'll look at me and say "sorry I took so long. Will you forgive me? It wont happen again". 

When we look at waiting in Scripture, we see verses such as:

Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." 

Psalm 27:14 "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord."

 Psalm 40:1-3:"(To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David.) I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, [and] established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, [even] praise unto our God: many shall see [it], and fear, and shall trust in the LORD."

All these verses reveal to us that waiting on the Lord is good! In His infinite graciousness, God has perfectly orchestrated that in waiting for Him; He renews our strength, He hears our prayers, He strengthens our hearts. Although we are waiting upon Him, we are STILL recipients of  His goodness. Our praises and thanksgiving are STILL due to Him, even amidst the waiting.

Ultimately, all of creation is waiting. Waiting for the glory of the coming Christ, and His followers to be revealed (Rom 8:19) Yet, of all things we can wait for: vacation, degrees, spouse, children, jobs, etc.

 Jesus is always going to be the One who is ultimately, "Worth the Wait".

Be Encouraged,

 Diana

#100daysofpraise Day 13: With Friends

May 31,2014

Grateful for the day that I got to spend at the mall with these ladies, especially after feeling "lonely" and "pathetic" the night before.

Keyword: feeling

But God was so faithful, that he showed me how He himself, through the power of His Word and Holy Spirit could restore my soul. Jesus is greater than my emotions. That's such amazing news!!
Psalm 23:3a  "He restores my soul..."

Rediscovering Jesus

Hey guys, it's been a while, eh? Yeah! I know. Happy summer!! It's that time of year again when the sun is beating down its beautiful rays on us. Soak it up...healthily. So, I just wanted to keep you all in the loop as far as what I'll be studying this summer.

I recently realized that I've been focusing on "me" a lot in regards to my relationship with Christ. Don't get me wrong, thinking about my identity in Him, His purpose for me, my sanctification, etc., are not bad things. However when I start to seek God for these things, without beholding the Glory of who He is, then I've made the Gospel all about me. No bueno. So, this summer I've decided to read through the Gospels. I want to "rediscover Jesus", rediscover the One in whom "all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell" (Col 1:9). I want to once again behold the glory of our God, each and everyday.

I'll try and keep you all updated on what He has shown me. Love you lots!

Diana

It's a crush...not a death sentence

*disclaimer to all my male readers, this post is written specifically to the ladies, but there are definitely truths that you can glean from it* read at your own risk.lol.jk

Alright guys, so bear with me here. If you know me personally, you'll know that there are only a few things in life I cant stand, among them are: horseradish, wasabi (because I think it tastes like horseradish), and having crushes.

Yup. There goes it. I said it. I CANT stand having crushes! I can give you a laundry list of reasons why
          1. I don't like thinking about him
          2. I don't like thinking about if he's thinking about me (or  ...even knows I exist)
          3. I don't like thinking about him thinking about me thinking about him. lol (do you follow?)
          4. I don't like having to have an entire conversation with myself in my head before I go up and talk to him...because I want to make sure I act as casual as possible, and that he wont get the impression that I have a crush on him.
     
                                       ME...the girl who talks to a brick wall if she gets the chance... is worried if someone will be suspicious because I talk to them. SMH

  So yeah, I think I made my point pretty clear: I don't like having crushes.
       
That being said.I have a slight admiration for someone. I have a crush. I have a crush.   I have a crush. Phew. okay there. (admittance is the first step to recovery..right?). JK. But for real guys. God has used this little...crush... to teach me some valuable lessons. As always, Our Lord is so faithful and soooo into every detail of our life.

So...what am I learning in this season?

1. Crushes do not mean  that you love God any less..or at least they shouldn't.
                For the longest time I've hated having crushes because I always thought, "Great, now I'm gonna like this person, and then forget about God". For some people this is true. They allow their crush to consume their entire being, making an idol out of the person.No bueno! On the other hand though, I think I'm learning that when we have been justified by our faith in Christ's redemptive work, and when we repent of our sins, God draws us to Him with chords of kindness.The more we seek Him, is the more we find Him, and the more we find Him is the more we Love Him. And the cycle goes on and on and on! The intimacy that we  have with God isn't one that was fashioned/made by human hands- but one that is ever deepening according to the work of the Holy Spirit within us.

2. Crushes can be a good thing (under certain conditions)
           Cant believe that I, of all people am saying this,but follow me. When I went to  my mentor and friend, and was telling her how I beat myself up about having a crush she helped me to see something from a different perspective. First, she pointed out that I should thank God because that meant I had natural affections (YAY..I like men)..and not just any man, but one who seems to love the Lord. That's so awesome, you guys. Look how far God has brought us, that we actually can be attracted to the Fruits of the Spirit that we see in a  male counterpart!!! I think it's good to evaluate the reasons behind your attraction to someone (especially if you know at least a little bit about them). Is it purely physical, or is there something more? Don't downplay the fact that you are attracted to his Christlike attributes, that's a good thing :)

3. God sees, and knows. Talk to Him about it.
          As with everything else. Don't be afraid to bring up your thoughts to the Lord. I used to always try and  pray my crushes away. I would say "God, please let me stop liking this guy, I cant stand this feeling". Now, I pray that He will guard my heart, and teach me how to guard it.Not so much take my affection away, but rather grant me wisdom to know how to handle them. And sometimes I just...giggle like a school girl..and think "oh my gosh, God... I have a crush on this guy. I really do." Psalm 139 speaks a lot about God knowing EVERYTHING about us. Our most inward parts, our thoughts. Even if we wanted to hide from Him, we couldn't. He is God, and He is good. May we rejoice in the fact that we serve a God who actually listens us, and invites us into relationship with Him.

4. Learn how to healthily obey Prov 4:23 
Proverbs 4:23 is quoted quite often, especially regarding relationships.
"Watch over your heart with all diligence,
For from it flow the springs of life." Some versions say guard your heart. Until recently, I took guard your heart as meaning "create a huge concrete wall structure around your heart, so that no guy will ever penetrate it". Yup..that's not what it meant. lol. Guarding your heart means having healthy boundaries in your interactions with others. Girls and guys alike.In regards to crushes, guarding your heart doesn't look like running the opposite way, or being excessively mean, or shutting your personality down. I think this blog post sums up what it looks like to Guard Your Heart, pretty well.

5. Let him pursue, if he chooses to.
Alright ladies, so this one can be tough. You see the guy and you like him, and..then*crickets*. Haha. Painstaking eh? I'm pretty big on the guy pursuing the lady.  I think it's a great reflection of the Gospel of how Christ has pursued His bride. That being said, just because you are waiting for him to pursue you doesn't mean you have to act invisible. No. That's not what that means. Be his friend. There's nothing wrong with engaging in conversation and having good laughs, and being good genuine friends. Are you gonna be the one inviting him to a dinner date? Nahh. Let him do that! This is just my personal opinion!

6. Continue to be obedient, and enjoy the season you're in!
Even though having a guy interest can be a super exciting thing, lets try not to lose sight of what God has called us to right here and now. Be mindful of the season you're in, and what God has called you to for such a time as this. Continue being diligent, and blooming where you are planted. Don't let the possible prospect of being in a relationship shake you from where God has you, and what He has you doing! 

7. God has your heart
Real talk, you guys. Whether or not the crush leads to a relationship, or just fades away into the past, bear in mind that God is the ultimate one who has your heart. He is Jealous for you (Exodus 20:5). He loves you with a love that is everlasting, and nothing can change that!

SEE. I told you that God was and IS faithful! He teaches His children and matures us in ways like no other! As 2 Cor 3:17-18 reminds us "17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit."

We are being transformed into His image! Amen and Amen :)

Love you guys, 

Diana

Friendships

This year has definitely been an interesting year for me in regards to friendships. I've never really been a person to have many misunderstandings with friends or anything like that, but this year I sure have had had my fair share of ....growing pains... in my friendships. Being in college away from my comfort bubble of home, really makes "doing life" with others(non relatives) much more accessible. That being said, I have had to learn and relearn a lot about friendships this year. God is a relational God, so He often uses relationships to prune us. Whether its a marriage relationship or a friendship,  or a familial relationship (can you tell I'm a Family and Child Sciences major?), there is always something to be learned. So, I am just gonna list some things that God has taught me this year through various friendships.

1. Sin stinks.It's silent, but deadly.Like a bad fart

• For real though. It does. I have found that many times when I have felt "slighted" by a friend, it usually boils down to selfishness or pride or entitlement, or some other sin/misconception that's lingering in my heart. "I don't wanna do this  because....(insert selfish reason here)". 

2. Friendship requires work. You cant just maintain a friendship by being passive and complacent. You have to be intentional.

•  Learned this lesson when I realized that I had to start actually scheduling time to hang out with friends, because our schedules weren't compatible. If I wait around to see if it will just happen 'organically', it probably wont!

3. People have different love languages.

• Yup, it's true. People perceive love in very different ways. One of my best friends is a "quality time" person. All she wants is some good quality time with the people she loves(preferably on a 1 to 1 basis). I, on the other hand, I love words of affirmation. So for the longest time, even if I couldn't see her for a week, I'd always want to keep in constant communication, affirm that I miss her and all these other things. Can you imagine how shocked I was then she told me she personally didn't believe my claims of missing her because we didn't hang out very often?Yeah! Rain on my parade, why don't you? lol We definitely are still working on this..and learning to express our love for each other the way the other person best receives it.

4. Words. Mind your words

• Soo, whats the smallest body part that can cause the most damage? Yup, the tongue. Man! Proverbs 18:21 says "Life and death are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit."        How true is this? You can never "take back" anything that you say. So pleasseee, be mindful of your words. They can build someone up, or tear them down. Also, think about the WAY you say what you want to relay. Even if what you are saying is true, make sure you're saying it out of a place of love and compassion, and not spite or pride. 

5. People are different. *GASP* what a shocker??

• I have friends who need a good half an hour before they discuss a heated issue, if not, they know they'll regret what they'd say. Myself on the other hand, whenever a conflict occurs,...I want to talk it out then and there (lets get to the bottom of this..now). Being mindful of the differences in communication makes a world of a difference. Id much rather wait an extra hour (though painstaking) to discuss an issue, than have a friend say something to me that they'll regret, and that'll cut me to the core.

6. God is a God ..of all things. 

• I've definitely learned the importance of abiding in Christ! He is the same God when I'm frustrated with my best friend, as He is when we are laughing our heads off in the late hours of the night. He cares, and He is there to help. Taking even a few minutes to just pray and ask Him to help you changes everything!!!

7.Keep the Gospel as my Perspective. Nobody's perfect (Hanna Montana anyone?)

• No matter what obstacles I might encounter in my friendships, I am confident that it can somehow point me back to the Gospel. Forgiveness is key! That's what God did for us when Christ lived the perfect life, died a death on behalf of sinners, and then resurrected to justify the unjustifiable (you and I). If I've been forgiven of SOOO much, what right do I have to withhold forgiveness from anyone else? None, none whatsoever

8. Because of the lessons learned through my friendships, I've been made more into the image of Christ.

• For real though guys, God has definitely used you to chisel me in ways that He wants, and I am so grateful for that!!

Prov 27:17

"Iron sharpens iron,

    and one man sharpens another"

Guarding My Heart

Some of my brothers and sisters in Christ have this thing they do on Thursday nights (more like Friday at 1am) where they give out hot dogs and water, to usually inebriated (drunken-check out my vocab :p, jk)  students who are heading back from a bar close to our campus. They do this in hopes of eventually forming friendships with these students-many of whom become 'regulars'- and hopefully having the opportunity to share the gospel with them. Last semester, I helped out only a couple of times( I'm usually in bed by 10....talk about grandma). I remember being behind the grill and seeing an influx of college students arrive, hungry for hot dogs.  There were many guys, and usually a ton of girls, all dressed up for a fun night at the bar. About midway through serving hot dogs, I'd periodically hear a particular guy friend of mine yell frantically with his hands holding his head "GUARD YOUR HEART! GUARD YOUR HEART!" Lol. I couldn't help but want to smile/ laugh when he did this. I figured though, he was reminding his fellow brothers in Christ to be careful not to fall in lust, especially with the females that were coming to get their hot dogs.Made sense.


Throughout the rest of the semester and even into my winter break, the topic of "guarding my heart" kept coming up. A little obvious eh God? Well, it's not until recently that I realized that although I've heard the phrase so much, and had a general idea of what it meant, I didn't fully understand how to apply it to my life.
You see, I sometimes tend to be a girl of extremes. So hearing "guard your heart"  translated to "run away from any guy you like, and beat yourself up when you have a crush on a guy..that way your heart will be guarded". WRONG!

The phrase "guard your heart" is taken from the NIV version of Proverbs 4:23 that reads "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life".The KJV reads "Keep your heart with all diligence..."
The Hebrew word used here is natsar and is synonymous with words such as "preserve, guard, watch, keep". Notice that all these words are verbs- doing words. Sometimes it's so easy to fall in the mindset of "since I'm not in a relationship, and Im not doing anything bad, then my heart is already guarded" OR "Since I am in a Christian dating relationship, then my heart doesn't need to be guarded". Both those mindsets are incorrect.

First, although the verse is commonly used to refer to relationships, "guarding our hearts" is something that should be done constantly. What are we guarding it from exactly? The customs of this world. The way the media, friends, or even our own selfish nature will tell us we have to be. We are preserving our hearts from this world, for Christ.

So, after all my extremes, how did i resort to guarding my heart in regards to relationships? Let's just say i found freedom in a verse that I've heard and and quote a million times over. I always hear Php 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving make your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus"
HOLD UP! WHAT? All these years of knowing this verse and I NEVER correlated it with Prov 4:23. Wow.

My new resolve? Do EXACTLY what the Word of God tells me to:

• I'm not going to be anxious..or in my case overly emotional. I LOOOVE getting deep with people and being vulnerable. Nothing wrong with that, but there's a time and place...and gender. It's one thing to be vulnerable with a girlfriend...and a whooole different story being vulnerable with a guy friend. Yuh Zeen? ( Jamaican phrase meaning 'you got me?')
• Praying with Thanksgiving-Jesus is my EVERYTHING! Pray and supplication. I've found such joy in being able to come to God and just being dead honest. "God, the truth I kinda have a crush on "insert name here" , but I don't want to be driven by my emotions.........Thank you so much for steadying my heart and preserving me"
• It's all done through Christ Jesus- EVERYTHING comes back to the Gospel- I've been given grace, shown mercy, and reconciled to God Himself, through the blood that He (Jesus) shed for me . It's for this very reason why His peace-and not my own-is able to guard my heart.

Other ways to guard out hearts include:Guarding out eyes, and ears. The things we watch and hear play a pretty big role in our perspectives. Lets key in to the leading of the Holy Spirit within us.

This isn't supposed to be a post about not being able to do this, or not being able to do that, but rather one to encourage and store up hope that as we allow the peace of God to guard our hearts, we'll be better able to go where He leads us.

I cant say I completely know everything about everything about guarding my heart yet, but I believe that this year will be one in which God definitely shows me how to, in the way that He wants me to.

                                                                                                                         Continually Waiting,
                                                                                                                                              Diana