And that's probably where I got it wrong. Somewhere in the midst of all of the transitions, I made everything about me.
I had to figure out how to be a good employee at my new job
I had to figure out how to live in a new place
I had to figure out how to continually cultivate my relationship with Christ
I...I...I..ME ME ME.
Now if you ask my fiance Khory about something I'm skilled at...among other things, I'm pretty sure "making everything about her" would very well fall somewhere on that list (okay...he'd probably say all the positive things, but that SHOULD be on the list). One of the many sins I wrestle with is idolatry, and in all honesty, sometimes I idolize myself. As terrible as it sounds, it's the truth. Sin isn't pretty. I idolize my feelings and emotions, and on many occasions they take precedence over my obedience to the Word of God, His Truth, and the leading of the Holy Spirit. This is NOT how it should be.
Now don't get me wrong, feelings and emotions are NOT inherently bad. God gave them to us, but when we begin to let those things have more influence in our lives than the Truth of the Gospel and holiness of God, we find ourselves in a bad place. Thus, I find myself in a bad place sometimes.
So there I was, yesterday. Feeling overwhelmed, sick to my stomach ( literally), and very very tired. And it was a loooong day. A very very long day. Because of my lack of diligence in bringing lunch/buying lunch on my break, I was hunngrry. But I was also nauseous so I found myself torn between the two. Nevertheless, after work I had worship rehearsal and I began to crave chipotle. Khory and I had no time for me to get it though, so we headed straight to our destination. As the night progressed, the hunger became less intense (feeling wise), but my body became increasingly weak. I was slow and lethargic. While the vocals were working on getting the harmony together with our worship leader, the band had a break (Khory is in the band). When I turned around after the break, Khory had left me an assortment of refreshments because he knew I was hungry. I was so grateful! Then, after rehearsal...he took me to chipotle and bought me exactly what I was craving.
So at the end of the night, after a long and tiring day, I found myself feeling fresh and clean and enjoying a yummy meal...and...that's when the tears began. In that moment, I was reminded of the absolute goodness of God. Aware of my self-centeredness and sin, I knew I have done nothing to deserve having Khory as my fiance(he is so selfless), or to deserve enjoying a yummy meal, and most importantly, to deserve the love and grace that God shows me time and time and time and time again. So I cried: aware of my sin, and grateful for His unending love and His good and perfect gifts.
I was left pondering the goodness of God because HE has opened my eyes to HIS goodness, and HE has prompted my heart to worship, and HE has blessed me beyond what I deserve, in Christ.
It really wasn't about me after all. So take confidence in that sobering, humbling, and life-giving truth today. It's not about you. It's about God being faithful to finish the good work He has started in you (Php 1:6). And leading you by His Spirit to walk into the good works that He has already prepared for you to walk in Christ Jesus (Eph 2:10) .
So, what do we do? We stand boldly in Christ's completed work, and let every moment be filled with thanksgiving to God for His amazing grace, His wonderful goodness.
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Psalm 150:6
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