My Biggest Fear in Life

 Hey guys,

It's been a while. Almost a year since my last post. Let's just say a lot has happened, but I am sure that's no surprise to you. 2020 has been quite a decade (I mean year) hasn't it? A year filled with some great wins and some devastating losses. A year when we've had to slow down, and inevitably had time to reflect. Reflect on ourselves, our lives, our nation, our world. I wanted to write this post to sharea bit of my heart:

Last month I came face to face with my biggest fear in life. I was a little over 1.5 months postpartum and it was the week before I went back to leading worship at church with hubby. I woke up... and it hit me. 

"You have no purpose"

"You are worthless"

"You're a waste of a creation"

"Your best years are behind you, and you have nothing of value to offer"

Those thoughts filled my mind, bombarded my peace, and arrested my emotions. I'd love to tell you that I overcame them in that moment with the Word of God, or that I prayed them away, or worshipped till my breakthrough came, but I didn't. Instead I laid there in my bed and let the thoughts consume  me. I believed them. I looked over, saw the beautiful human I gave birth to...and I still believed those lies. 

You see, my biggest fear in life is that I have somehow, or will somehow miss the purpose that God has for me. I know, I know, you may be thinking "how could you think that Diana?" Well, quite easily actually. You see, I have some major issues. My caution, mixed with my fear of making mistakes, mixed with my sin issues makes the perfect recipe for a life not lived to the fullest. I often have ideas and dreams that never quite come to fruition, simply because I shrink back. 

In Isaiah 46:10, God declares

 I am God, and there is none like me, 

declaring the end from the beginning 

    and from ancient times things not yet done.

saying, ‘My counsel shall stand,

    and I will accomplish all my purpose,’

As I leafed through the pages of a new journal gifted to me ( thanks Rina) a couple days ago, this verse leapt off the page. The Lord reminded me that although my biggest fear in life is that I wont accomplish the purpose He has for me, He WILL ALWAYS  accomplish His purpose. I can rest in that truth. As I walk in step with Him, and seek His face continually, I do not have to fear that I will somehow miss the purpose He has for me. That truth has given me the boldness to walk forward in life, even if it means doing it scared. 

I turned 28 earlier this month, and my verse for this year of my life is Romans 8:28. I am trusting that God will work together all things for my good and His glory because I love Him and and am called according to His purpose. Soo with that, I'm taking  a LONG overdue step forward and I will be launching my YOUTUBE channel. I'll post my first official video next week, but until then, feel free to SUBSCRIBE so you don't miss any of the exciting content heading your way.

Oh and to wrap up the story from earlier, I ended up having staff meeting, my pastor prayed for me (without me sharing what I've been wrestling with) and it was so SPOT ON (thank you Holy Spirit). My husband encouraged me. The week went on and the thoughts came and left, ebbed and flowed. Then Sunday morning came-my first day back leading worship since my maternity leave began. You guys, GOD COMPLETELY did His thing. I cant even put it into words, He's just so good. Truly He is faithful to accomplish His purpose, and He's so kind to use imperfect people like us in the process.

Be encouraged (and subscribe to my youtube channel ;).

Diana